Notice midlife is not about the fear of death. Midlife is death--out with the old, in with the new. Tearing down identities, conditions, relationships, we have spent our entire life building, may feel like "death." And yet, shifting out of fear brings rebirth of a phoenix.
Whatever the issue, from people -pleasing and performing to perfectionism and conformism, it seems as if we spend the first half of our lives suppressing, denying or shutting down to resist the root of
unconscious pain, and the second half, taking brave steps to open everything up to feel and heal the forgotten hurt.
As life as I knew it falls apart in stages, it appeals to reframe midlife unravelling as midlove. Loving ourselves fully is the most difficult and courageous journey we’ll ever take. The universe offers a finite period of time to tune in and recalibrate to that self-love, and midlife is the halfway point. Being repeatedly shaken up is like a slap in the face yet it invites us to let go of shame, fear, desire, suffering, all thoughts that stands in the way of love.
Rest assured, life unravels at her own pace. The search for self-love and acceptance seems like an endless quest. We think we have it and then we don't. Conscious awareness may arise noticeably in midlife, but we deal with it from that point onward. As we begin to see truth through the lies we tell ourselves, it grows harder to keep up the charade.
Turns out, its easier to ignore the universe in your twenties as the universe simply whispers, “Pay attention,” Then, in your early thirties, she whispers a bit louder, “Slow down.” Trust me though. By midlife, the universe is more persistent and cannot be ignored. She presents in unexpected ways & places so we grow aware we squander gifts, do not live up to our potential. There are penalties for not following through with the Soul contract. We are reminded "You’re halfway to dead. Get a move on!" Much like Scrooge in Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol, we get a BIG wake up call.
Once the shock of the universe’s visits wears off—and you stop choosing a crisis over alternatives, several options present...
Its always possible to pull the universe closer, embrace her wisdom fully, thank her for opportunity to grow, and calmly ease into the unraveling. Let go of everything, all illusions at once. This however, is not what usually happens.
Another option is to deny midlife unravelling altogether. Scrooge does so iniitially in response to Bob Marley's ghostly visit. Scrooge simply goes back to his soup and scoffs, "Humbug!" The result was visits from three ghosts. Scrooge gets the shake up of his life.
Of course, denial is not so easy at this level. Pretending that all is well when its not requires active denial, like putting your fingers in your ears and humming. After numerous distractions, the only way to maintain denial of the midlife unraveling is to be even more perfect, more certain, more judgmental, even more of what the universe invites you to let go or give up. Some attempt to numb out, to self-isolate, to sleep, but the wake-up calls intensify .
Unfortunately, midlife differs from the other stages we’ve managed to survive because the symptoms don’t improve over time. Attempting to numb the midlife unraveling is attempting to numb out from who you are as the cocoon is opening. In this case, the universe simply steps up its game.
The universe knows exactly how to bring us to our knees, to a pivotal turning point. No matter how hard or far we fall, grace arises to pick us up, push us out into the world for more. Strangely enough, this feels like the best thing that could ever happen. It feels like significant amount of pain and loss, but something amazing happens along the way—self-rediscovery. The real me arises from the ashes. Midlife unraveling has taught me how to be brave, trust intuition fully and welcome whatever uncertainty has on offer. I look deeply into the universe through a telescope and realize profoundly that she, the universe, is me.
Monday, December 19, 2022 at 9:35PM 
Notice what it is to relax mind into state of total disembodiment. That is, allow the familliar reality to fall apart. The visual world fragments, first into a few large pieces as binocular fusion is broken, then into a few smaller fragments, and eventually, into many separate fragments of consciousness. This state differs from normal consensual reality. Most amazing is the total absence of the body from its normal place at the center of focus. As the world fragments, the body does too, disconnected pieces of the body seeming to exist independently in separate spaces, as if in different universes, like reflections from different shards of a shattered mirror.
