How to stop overthinking

Overthinking occurs when you have a hard time turning off your mind. Worry and anxiety creep in. All those 'what ifs' capture your attention.  You anticipate how things could go wrong, and how you could respond to unforeseen situations. Overthinking reflects you judge and self-criticize what you have already done and you justify why.

As you read this, you may know what its like to have thoughts run wild and wonder what to do about it.  They compel you to re-examine actions you have already taken and those you wonder if you should. You may question whether you said the right thing, wonder how people interpreted your behaviour. You may keep going over and over decisions, questioning your own motives and what is best for you or others involved.

Consider your tendency to overthink based on how you reply to these questions:

In terms of dating: Why did I wear that outfit? Why was my make-up smudged? Why didn't he look my way? What must she think of me? What must his/ her friends think? Where can we go that would be impressive? How do I know if I said the wrong thing?

In terms of relationships: What will my spouse say when s/he finds out what I have done? What could my friends/ in-laws think of my choice? How can I be sure they will understand my point of view? Why are they not phoning/ including me?

In terms of body-image: Why does the mirror make me look so fat/ skinny? Where does all the acne come from?  Who actually calls these marks beauty spots? How can wrinkles be taken as laugh lines? Why do I keep gaining weight when I exercise/ eat right/ am always on a diet? Whay am I never satisfied about how I look?

In terms of depression:  How isolated did I feel? What could explain this prolonged loneliness? Why did s/he leave me?Why am I unmotivated? Why am I having trouble concentrating? Why do I feel restless and sluggish? How long does this post-natal depression thing last? Can how I feel be labelled depression?

In terms of work: Why aren't I capable of coping with my job/ schedule and family responsibilities? Why am I not living up to expectations? When will I pull myself together? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I get over it? When should I go back to work? Why are they asking me to rethink my role as a stay-at home parent?

As you realize you are overthinking, notice the messages about self-worth, self-love and acceptance that speak to you. Notice whether you are allowing fear and ego to control you.  Notice your word choices and how they may disempower you. You actually have choices about which words to use and which thoughts to think.

As an exercise to see what overthinking is inviting you to see about yourself, write 5 phrases relevant to your situation. What do you over-analyze? Write down the feelings that stand out about each phrase (i.e. fear, self-doubt, etc.) Notice if they feel positive or negative. Now, rather than assume something negative happened or will, assume positive things. Know how you think is shaped by your feelings and whether you focus on the future. Fear only exists there. It cannot exist in the present moment.

As you recognize you tend to over analyze people and situations, this is inviting you to step back and learn about yourself. To notice overthinking acknowledges discomfort about something inside. As you look deeper to discover why, you can tailor your strategies to curtail or stop it.  Why do you do the things you do? Maybe some of these resonate with you? If not, reflect on other possible reasons. Jot those down and reflect.

a) Indecisiveness/ low self-confidence (unsure what you want)
b) Strong sense of entitlement (ego success-driven)
c) Never satisfied/ perfectionistic
d) Seek approval & acceptance / fear disapproval & rejection 
e) Diagnosed with psychological/ psychiatric illness

What if every reason you could possibly give to explain why you over-analyze brings you back to a plea for love? What if everything invites you to be more aware of how you can love Self and others unconditionally?  One perspective is every experience invites you to love yourself more and see yourself as you really are. To overthink suggests you choose to focus on fear rather than love, and you can shift attention anytime.

"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It`s a death trap." -Anthony Hopkins

Comments

[Whitney]

Hi, im only 16 but I seem to over think every little detail in my life. Any guy I meet at first i might be head over heels for him , but then something just clicks in my brain to where I overthink every little thing until I find something wrong with the guy or the relationship. I think I might be overthinking eveything because I'm afraid....I guess I am scared of falling in love. I was just wondering if you had any advice for me. Thanks!

[Courtney]

I'm currently 21 and I've been an over thinker all of my life. This depressive state of mind is ruining my existence. My parents pulled me out of school at the end of 2005 so I didn't end up going to university. I currently have no friends because I feel I am going to do or say the wrong thing around them. I feel like I am bringing everyone around me down with my negative outlook. My parents and boyfriend have told me that I am pushing them further away with my constant questioning and worrying about every aspect and decision I make. They have said they are sick of me and I get really depressed. My constant worry and over thinking makes me unable to sleep most nights and unable to concentrate and because of this I am almost always physically sick. I know this is unhealthy and I worry about worrying and making people around me sad. I need help and I need to change I am trying to change my thoughts but just end up worrying about what strategies I need to do to change ( I have very low self esteem and doubt myself a lot) I want to know what it's like to feel happy but I don't know how to do it? Can you please help I am open to any advice.

[Miller]

i'm over thinking this very minute what to type in this little box. i'm writing this for me because if i write it for you i'll over think it. i typed in the google box over thinking and one thing lead to another. i started reading all the post on this forum and i was shocked to see how much i related to the people on here, seriously shocked. so a little background on me: first of all i'm very insecure about writing in any form that people are going to read. i learned about five minutes ago it's call writers block. so bare with me. i'm just a good ol boy. or so i've been in life to this point. i like fishing and hunting and anything to do with the outdoors. i played sports in high school and was consumed with being excepted by all my peers. i had a bad relationship towards the end of highschool and like many of the post of read,had a noticeable increase of negative thoughts in my life. took a while to get over that, but the effects still remain. this is like AA for over thinkers. i like it. hi my names mark and i'm an over thinker. haha. anyways. i was over thinking and this was about the best way i could see how to express myself.
i have a weird passion to learn about the way people think and why we think what we think. and i say weird because i don't know anybody to this point in my life that cares about thinking as much as i do. if i did i would just talk to them instead of vent on the internet. i'm not even sure all of this applies to this forum, it just seemed like the right place.
anyways, i agree with a lot of what i've read. there's something to all this talk about dwelling on positive thinking. if we all spent half as much time obsessing about positive thought as we do negative thoughts we'd all be a lot happier people. anyways...happiness is choice. and i had to type all of this out to remember that. so thanks post box for listening.i'm out

[Liara Covert]

Sazia, notice the words you choose to describe yourself when you speak and write. Do these words echo loving, uplifting feelings or something else?
When you call yourself "stupid," this is not a loving thing to say. What you experience in the world reflects back to what degree you appreciate yourself fully. When you feel pain, then the answer is to love yourself more. No work promotion or perceived recognition you can obtain is lasting. Everything external is changeable. You can train the mind to be unfazed by what happens. The only thing that is unchanging is the love you are/ feel within.

[Liara Covert]

JMSWE, you always have the choice to perceive problems or not. What you describe draws attention to how much you value external approval. To place importance on external opinions invites you to recognize insecurity and lack of complete unconditional self-love and acceptance. What other people do or do not do has no bearing on how you feel about yourself unless you decide that it does. The mind creates its own beliefs and says whatever it can to substantiate them.

[Liara Covert]

Teri, self-help books are an inexpensive alternative to therapy and may be an option that appeals for now. Consider browsing a local library and bookstore. My Self-Disclosure: Changes from Within book is also set up to enable readers to take a step back and explore the underlying reasons for their fear and self-defeating attitudes. You can buy it online through the publisher (link on this blog) or distributors like Amazon.com. This book includes lessons to ponder for each of 5 chapters, extensive end-of chapter questions you can journal, as well as 3 longer, end-of-book questionnaires which invite you to get to know yourself better. It highlights how easy it is to move into a place of unconditional self-love over fear, and reveals the power of raising self-awareness and genuine intentions.

[Liara Covert]

Fred, to be aware you are self-conscious is helpful to the degree you are willing to ask and discover why. When you judge yourself, this is the mind speaking from the perspective of fear. When you dwell on what you imagine out of fear, you are inviting the very thing you do not want. What you think evolves in your experience. If you wish to change your experience, then change your thoughts. A good rule of thumb is if your attention and affection are not returned (reciprocal), this signals you are better off with someone else. Every relationship works or does not for the right reasons if you choose to see it that way. Its all a choice.

[Liara Covert]

Esther, one possibility is to train the mind to see every experience as a blessing in disguise. You may, as an exercise, reflect on a situation you do not feel good about and over-analyze. Shift focus to see how that situation actually helps you in some way. There is always a silver lining. Focus attention there. Make a list of benefits if this feels right. For instance, how does life experience build confidence and inner strength? What opportunities are now in sight after another one did not work out as you had hoped? You may also explore ways of listening closer to intuition, or put keywords into the search of this blog for other suggestions.

[Liara Covert]

Whitney, you make every choice out of fear or love. The ego-mind is the source of fear. The heart or intuition is that voice within that tells you when a choice feels right for you. When you see things that are wrong with someone, you are quietly judging yourself. Everything invites you to love yourself more. What happens when you choose to see perfection rather than imperfection?

Consider taking up activities that help you build confidence, feel joy, laugh and have fun. This may include sports, music, something creative, whatever inspires you. Explore what love and appreciation mean. As you get to know what feels good being alone or in groups, you are more likely to make choices that feel good in other situations. If you feel uneasy about getting into a relationship, you may not be ready or, you may not have met someone who feels right to your heart.

[Liara Covert]

Courtney, rest assured, you are not alone in how you feel. Many people go through stages where they feel down on themselves, where they feel disappointed one plan or another does not work out. It is helpful to know that every feeling is a temporary thing and a teacher. When you can choose to get some benefit out of it, you turn the whole thing around. Consider what you can do with your time to help others and uplift your spirits. Opportunities widely exist to volunteer in hospitals, aged care homes, soup kitchens, church or school communities and other places. You may also be aware of upcoming events in areas of interest like marathons, festivals or shows where organizers are looking for volunteers. One option is to put yourself in situations where you can share compassion or learn about it. You can also feel the power of gratitude for where you are and what you have. This shifts your focus away form what the mind tells you that you do not have or are not doing. Its amazing how people in different circumstances are uplifted by volunteer presence. You may be surprised at friendships you make and other positive effects such experience has on you.

[Liara Covert]

Miller, the more you talk about something you do not like or want, the more energy you direct into creating that idea and making it your reality. As an interesting exercise, review the words you use to describe yourself when you talk to others and also those you include in the comments of this blog. When you give negative thoughts form in words, you are reinforcing them an giving them more power. You also mention the power of positive thinking. This is the title of a book by Norman Vincent Peale that you may know or choose to read. As you say, sometimes expressing yourself and reading it back aloud is an effective way to encourage you to shift focus on what feels better. Journalling and reading affirmations can also help decondition and retrain the mind.

[Mickey]

Hey Liara,
I have a serious problem with over thinking, at night I tend to stay awake for hours going over events in my head and wondering about future events. One of the main things which I over think is my relationship with a certain friend. I've felt very strongly toward her for a long time and at one stage we went out, I spend a lot of time considering if she feels the same and last week I told her how I felt, I asked her if she felt the same and she replied 'I don't know'. Since then I haven't got more than two hours sleep each night because I've been considering this over and over again. I think is there someone else? Is she saying that so as not to hurt my feelings? Does she think I'm stupid or something cause I speak about how I feel about things (anything really) quite alot? I've also been getting very jealous because she has met a guy and is spending a lot of time with him but won't see me. Is there anything I can do to stop thinking like this? It's driving me mad and I feel like I'm acting like a love-struck child.

[Renaldo Williams]

I am Renaldo Williams, I am afraid of pretty much everything, so much so that i've created a separate personality just for dealing with reality. To erase a few fears is one thing. How do i switch to my own personality tho?

[Liara Covert]

Mickey, simply notice what you feel and why and read other comments on this thread. You can come to realize emotions do not control you unless you let them. The mind has you believe you have reasons to fear and to feel insecure. Notice how the mind invites you to imagine reasons to keep you in a state of fear. Notice what happens as you observe your thoughts. Fear does not exert control over how you feel unless you give your power away.

[Jannie Funster]

That Anthony Hopkins is such a hoot.
What a great post, Liara.
Fear cannot exist in this moment. And this moment is all.

goodnight.

xoxo

[Liara Covert]

Jannie, everyone you think into being is a teacher. How you respond reflects how you feel deep inside about true self. Laughing with Anthony Hopkins is like laughing with and at yourself. What is real cannot die.

[Liara Covert]

Renaldo, Sogyal Rinpoche says it well here:

Two people have been living in you all your life. One is the ego, garrulous, demanding, hysterical, calculating; the other is the hidden spiritual being, whose still voice of wisdom you have only rarely heard or attended to. . . . you have uncovered in yourself your own wise guide. Because he or she knows you through and through, since he or she is you, your guide can help you, with increasing clarity and humor, negotiate all the difficulties of your thoughts and emotions. . . . The more often you listen to this wise guide, the more easily you will be able to change your negative moods yourself, see through them, and even laugh at them for the absurd dramas and ridiculous illusions that they are. . . . The more you listen, the more guidance you will receive. If you follow the voice of your wise guide . . . and let the ego fall silent, you come to experience that presence of wisdom and joy and bliss that you really are.(overthinking ceases)

[sunny]

i have been in an addiction of overthinking, i think about a girl, i normally live in my dreams all the time. i do not have control on my mind, how to overcome it?

[Lim Lynn]

There are benefits when you overthink when you are trying to make the right decision for workplace, college and university. Since, it will save you headache and mental breakdown trying to explain to those who never use their brains nitpicking every failure and weakness in their system.