Fear of Failure: Women & Depression

Severe depression is the most widespread psychological disorder in the Western world. This disabling condition arises for different reasons and affects diverse communities. As a group, women experience more stressors than men because women often shoulder the burdens of family and friends as as well as their own. Short-term frustration or sadness is normal. If distress lasts for weeks or more, its wise to consult health professionals that align with your socio-cultural and other beliefs.

The profiles below were chosen from surveys to 300 women about their experiences with esteem, self-image, and fear.  We welcome our readers to share comments about their own lives.  What do you learn about yourself?

Jean, a lawyer who knew public t.v. success, lived through both depression and anorexia. She succumbed to pressure from herself, her peers, producers and her audience. “I ignored my need for emotional support. The show consumed me.” For a time, ratings soared. Clients poured into her office, boosting her esteem. She pushed herself hard. “I desired approval and grew insecure. My expectations rose too high.” She couldn’t keep everyone happy. Her life fell apart. Her work-a-holism and competitiveness led to divorce. She felt guilty about neglecting her son and family. When her show was cut, her esteem plummeted. “I was miserable. I felt like a failure. I lost my appetite, but I didn’t notice until I was very thin. I considered suicide.” Public success was short-lived. She would cry inexplicably. “I wondered why I pushed ahead? My inner voice encouraged me, said I could do better. But I was repeatedly disappointed.” It was hard to motivate herself, to refine her identity. “In searching for an acceptable self-image, I suffered depression then anorexia.  I almost died.” Once she admitted her mental illness, she sought help. Treatment and time away from the city enabled her to renew. Dating again builds her confidence.

Helen, a highly-educated, stay-at-home mom, admits struggling with a negative attitude and clinical depression. “I would like to be more positive, but my workaholic father and life experiences make that hard.” She moved to a foreign country to complete graduate school. She married and stayed abroad. Motherhood alone has been unsatisfying. “I attend playgroups with other moms. Some gave up careers like medicine to raise their kids. They devote time to school committees and volunteer causes. At times, I feel so tired and empty.” Helen has undergone psychotherapy, but she discontinued treatment. She felt it was emotionally too difficult. “I didn’t like what learned about myself. It was scary.” A miscarriage caused her to see her life differently. She feels more grateful for her toddler son and finds new meaning in life. 

Jasmine, a budding art therapist, gained weight as a result of taking medications for her mental illness. “My children are growing. I wish to do something career-wise.” She doesn’t wish to wallow in grief. “Losing my parents hurt me terribly. Watching children suffer in news is heartbreaking. It’s hard to concentrate. My energy increases over time.”

Ashley, a freelance journalist, has experienced low-esteem due to long-time of criticism about her abilities. Members of her family have also suffered depression. She is convinced its genetic. Her hidden fear of failure leads her to express a constant level of enthusiasm. “I’m mostly optimistic, but some people think I’m phony.” Insecurity relates less to how people perceive her to how she sees herself. “I was a chubby teen with crooked teeth. Fixing my teeth inspired me to smile more. Becoming more physically fit built my confidence.” She wishes to empower women who struggle with critical self-evaluation. Reproduction issues still get her down. “If success and happiness are measured by having children, I might feel a failure. In developing my career, I haven’t met suitable partners.” Ashley has seen her ambition intimidates men. “I’m productive and get things done. At work, I’ve found it’s acceptable to be told what to do. I’ve also learned it’s useful to question authority.” Ashley doesn’t fear success. Yet, her view of it changes, making it harder to achieve.

Claire, an advisor, has a family history of depression. Her esteem issues led her to seek therapy. “I try to focus on having good relationships, but they’re measured by signs of affluence. I fear I’m unable to measure up.” Claire has struggled with her self-image. She measures her success by how she masters skills and helps others. She rarely socializes and admits, “I find it hard to even feel motivated. I don't like myself much.” She defines her limitations based on external criticism. “I see how people around me judge women. They attribute failure to gender.” Claire doesn’t like being watched and evaluated. “I’m very self conscious. I worry that others will see me fail while I’m just trying to learn. She wonders how women over-achieve. Her expectations are contrary to her conscience. She fears both financial failure and success, and has known neither. “Failure would leave me unable to take care of myself. I worry success is just an illusion that doesn’t truly reflect my values. In my daily life, it’s very hard to find role models to emulate who reflect my values. Most have such extreme lives and sacrifices that I don't feel I can achieve them.”

Joanne, a spiritual housewife, moved to the U.S. from the Philippines. She tries to focus on married life while she feels restless. She has known a cultural identity crisis. “I pray each day and try to be a good wife.” Her sense of success is closely linked to her education and striving to think positively. Prayer enables her to deal with feelings of helplessness. “I perceive myself as an achiever with no room for failure. So, when difficult times come, I tend to sulk.” Her parents’ careers and marriage set her lofty goals. Joanne’s sense of failure clarifies itself in bad decisions she perceives around her. “I compare myself to my school alumni’s achievements.” Joanne fears both success and failure, but she tries to let go to leave the rest to God. “If bad things happen to my family, like sickness, difficulties, I feel worse.” She reads self-help books to improve herself. She also strives to interact with people who inspire her with their own survival, people “who lead a good and righteous life.” Her biggest disappointments go back to the failure of her plans. She admits she forgets that "Higher Forces guide oportunities for healing." 

Eboni, a farmer’s housewife, has experienced depression. She struggles to define her identity separate from motherhood. Her children are grown. She has become more involved in her community. Making friends and socializing helps. “I’ve found self-help meeting groups do a lot to help build my self-esteem. I read inspirational self-help books about women who beat the odds.”

Ella, a nurse and sports coach, dips in and out of depression. She turns to drinking to help deal with uncomfortable emotions and stress of work. She experienced low moods regarding her dad’s death. She was overtired and less interested in her typical activities. She recognizes that she fears uncertainty. Ending an unfulfilling, ten year relationship gave her new strength. “The last straw was when he bought a motorbike rather than an engagement ring.” New romance also builds her confidence. She juggles jobs to achieve financial freedom. “But I don’t like nursing now. It’s hard on my back.” Physical injuries contribute to her sense of failure. Physiotherapy and counseling are helping her rise out of her intermittent depression.

Terry, a former hospital employee, frequently feels overwhelmed by piles of tasks. She admits she is discouraged by her personal life and feels all she has ever done is make mistakes. She dwells on what went wrong, what will likely go wrong or what is wrong with herself as a person. Her energy is drained by shouldering close family responsibilities. Her strategy to beat depression has been to turn to prayer and also to devote part of her life to helping the less fortunate.

Leslie, an elementary school teacher, has become more depressed since a fire consumed her house and created sizable debt. “I no longer put in 100%, or I do too much, feel overwhelmed and incapable. In general, I don’t fear failure. I’ve succeeded and failed. Each failure strengthens me.” Her confidence wavers when she is preoccupied with external approval. “I also feel depressed when I exert effort and receive little response. That can crush me!” Her personal life has had its ups and downs. In the past, her esteem sank due to irreconcilable differences with family members. “My step-mom and I didn’t get along. Dealing with adversity has been trying. “My life is harder than its ever been.”  She's hopeful she'll make it through. 

Judy, an website entrepreneur, fell in depression as the result of the impact of Hurricane Katrina. That storm destroyed her home, most of her possessions and many business files. For a time, she drove out of state and lived in her car. Come what may, Judy defines personal success as, “doing the right thing.” To overcome lingering sadness, she aims to surround herself with survivors. “I minimize contact with ‘losers.’” One example of why this is hard relates to a close friend addicted to QVC. “She has ordered $40,000 worth of goods from the shopping network in the last year.” Feeling unwilling to leave friends with self-defeating behavior pulls Judy down, but she tries to focus on what she can control. “The stakes are not high in my life right now. I’m not trying to accomplish great things, nor is there anything I could really lose.” Overcoming setbacks and depression means learning not to be intimidated by new things. “I just figure out how to do them.” Her restlessness led her to alcohol. Drinking makes her happy and then sad. She tries to forget difficult life. To improve esteem, she says, “I aim to stop impulsive eating and drink less.”

Yamina is a Muslim housewife with low self-confidence. She associates success with positive thinking and support from her husband and family. She would like to start a small business, but she lacks faith in herself. She feels “pressure and expectations from her society.” Her father encourages her to overcome negative thinking. She is strongly affected by failures by close family members. “I fear failure because of how it may stop me from moving on and on whether or not I will be able to rise again from the fall.” She dwells on the death of loved ones. “I also regret not taking initiatives and not becoming what I could have.” She wishes to eliminate these anxieties.

Bella, a home care nurse, never married.  She developed breat cancer later in life and depression arose as a partial result.  She found that during her chemotherapy treatment, she came to judge herself more and began to wonder if her life was a failure because of things she had not  done before the cancer and was now unable to do due to the state of her health.

As you can read above, these profiles reveal some low self-esteem  is a common symptom women describe as a contributing factor to their depression. Each woman’s experience is her own. Low confidence is often linked to struggles with fear and control. If you experience depression or know someone who does, you may sense this condition evolves as women strive to achieve material success, as women seek external recognition and acceptance, or as the result of their experience with relationships. 

In essence, as a group, women who experience depression struggle with happiness and contentment. They fear failing to reach their goals, or failing to meet other people’s standards. A woman’s understanding of success may be linked to peer approval rather than to her own lessons. Conditioning rarely teaches a woman to define her success in terms of how she acts to make life better for herself as she sees fit rather than based on external influences. Women multi-task because its expected. They may over-nurture because they’re taught to be overly emotional.

If you assume control is key, be aware success and happiness are more about letting go of all your taught. Women can only control themselves, not time, how others react, not longevity or mortality. If your morale is consistently low, consider taking on-line depression tests.  Clinical depression is a condition determined by professional diagnosis. Intermittent low spirits are sometimes viewed as depression, adopted as a label or part of an identity.   As you raise your own awareness of why you think and feel as you do, you're also in a position to encourage yourself and others and also feel your way to remember love is the ultimate solution. 

"Sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands. The reasons for depression are not so interesting as the way one handles it, simply to stay alive." -May Sarton

You are in charge of giving your life meaning

The way you perceive yourself and your circumstances reveals whether or not you accept the truth.  Is this what you know or choose to accept? Do you focus on parts of situations or do you actively seek to understand as much as you can of the bigger picture that involves other people?

John F. DeMartini explains that our perceptions "often exaggerate or minimize the truth."  We see what we wish to see, hear what we desire to hear, and selectively draw from our senses based on our own hopes, fears and expectations.  We train ourselves to block out what we'd rather forget.  This kind of behavior doesn't enable us to strengthen our self or get to the crux of who we are. How you feel about things and people are based on your perceptions as well. 

How often do you selectively overlook some of your personal qualities? You may say, that's okay, or it doesn't bother you when underneath it all, that little something has a big impact on the choices you make or how you hold yourself back from things you sincerely hope to achieve. You may fear or condemn based on your own ignorance or on what you'd rather not exert effort to understand. This is your choice, but do you even realize you may be doing this?

The more you open your senses to see and experience some level of good in everything, the more you will realize that you are in charge of giving your life meaning.  The choices you make are ways you seek to convince yourself of your abilities, your potential and your visions of future. How you decide you will view everything that happens will determine what you see.

Consider the film "It's a Beautiful Life." The context of the Nazi concentration camp was not itself uplifting, so how could a director achieve a successful comedy? The protagonist chose how he wished to portray what was happening to his son. The father was so effective, the audience chuckles out of sheer disbelief.

You too can decide how you will perceive the world and your place in it. Whether you choose to better yourself and your circumstances is a first step. If you make this choice, you'll figure out how.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” -Mitch Albom

Perpetual change

No event, no relationship, no feeling, no joy or sadness, no situation, ever stays the same.  All setbacks are a matter of perception. Even setbacks themselves change. Why? Higher Forces empower us to shape our perception, to evole with our understanding and acceptance of that which does not change. The external world is constantly changing but only as the physical senses see things.

It may be a revelation but you are not the center of the universe.  The essence of being is one of many expanding universes.  Humans are but a small part. The big picture is constantly changing, and we constantly participate in and contribute to the changes inside ourselves and around us.

We have at least two choices; to resist change or participate in and embrace change. Every change can be resisted. Every change can be facilitated by cooperation and good will. How will you choose to act today to further clarify your own sense of success?

"There are two big forces at work, external and internal. We have very little control over external forces such as tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, disasters, illness and pain. What really matters is the internal force. How do I respond to those disasters? Over that I have complete control." -Leo F. Buscalgia

Listen to Angels

If you wish to know inner peace, I encourage you to listen to angels. Now, before you begin to question where I'm coming from, and if I'm 'all here,' I'll share two stories with you which changed my life.  They reveal how angels appear and assist you when you least expect it.

One fine June day, when I was 12, I was riding my bike home from school. I was delighted to have this ten speed with curled handlebars.  I liked the freedom I felt as I coasted fast.

As it was, I had had some change in my pocket. When I was descending a hill alongside the wavy, Kennebecasis River, I thought I heard some change hit the ground.  My instinct was to pull the brake, stop and retrieve it. Unfortunately, I pulled the front brake only and went face first into the concrete. Rather than brace my fall, my arms flew backwards. So much for the bright, sunshine yellow t-shirt and yellow jeans. No wonder my favorite color became orange?

Although I had this accident in a residential area, nobody was around. I was screaming in agony because I had shattered my septem and completely flattened my nose. Yet, it seemed no person heard me. How could everyone be out at the same time? Curiously, there were no cars on the road. Call it the twilight zone or a crash course in inter-dimensional travel.

Just when I was about to faint from loss of blood, I thought I saw an old brown car drive over the hill.  I slumped down beside my bent bicycle and the brown car actually stopped beside me. Two men with Mexican t-shirts and dark curly hair got out and approached me. They asked me if I was okay and I think by that point, all I could manage was a nod.  They picked me up and put me in the back seat of their car.   These strangers drove me directly to the emergency department of the regional hospital.  We passed no cars on the road. I knew as I hovered over my body. They took me inside and then drove away. Thanks to them, I had surgery to replace the blood and to reconstruct my nose.  My parents tried to find out who those men were.  My parents were grateful. Yet, the men appeared out of nowhere and we were never able to find them.  They left no trace. Looking back, maybe it was my own real-life version of Highway to Heaven? To me, they were angels and I'm very grateful.

Another story I wish to share with you took place in 1996. After initial university experiences, I had prepared for French medical school. I realize now I almost compromised my creative gifts to pursue a career that wasn't really for me. I also almost decided to pursue a personal life which did nothing to stimulate my imagination or nourish my soul. 

Then, it happened.  At dusk, during the first light snowfall of the season, I left the hospital where I was a volunteer in the emergency. I strained to focus on a windy, forest road, and unexpectedly skidded along black ice around a blind corner.

From that moment, my life flashed in front of me.  As I turned the bend, I glimpsed 3 oncoming cars and an 18-wheeler transport truck careening down the steep incline toward me in the passing lane. Like a bad dream, I was headed straight for them.  Try as I did to use defensive driving skills, I found I had no control over the steering. The brakes were also useless in slippery conditions.

The car slid alarmingly across the median into the other lane, yet curiously swerved back with a jolt to hydroplane off the road. The passenger side collided with snow-covered birch trees that snapped and destroyed the outer door. The frenzied impacts caused the passenger side airbag to deploy.

I wasn't sure if I dissociated, or if I saw a flash, but I felt some force took control of my car. It propelled forward.  This collision with the passenger side of the car was like a godsend.  It took just enough time for the oncoming traffic to pass.   As if on cue, my car crossed the median behind the 18-wheeler and went directly into the ditch on the opposite side of the road and to collide with a telephone pole.  The driver's side airbag deployed and smoke oozed out of the remains of the engine. 

Just as the ambulance and firetruck arrived, I managed to emerge from the car. Against the advice of bystanders, I rushed back to rescue a research project from the back seat. The EMTs insisted I be taken to emergency to get checked over. When I arrived on the gurney, colleagues thought I was playing a trick on them until the police followed in behind. After all, I had left my volunteering responsibilities there less than 15 minutes before.

In the end, the car was a right off, yet, I emerged unscathed.  At first, all I could think about was the car (it was my dad's).  Hindsight helps me see my survival is more important.  This led me to rethink my personal and professional choices at that point in my life.  I intuitively made new decisions which led me to take advantage of overseas opportunities in other fields.

To this day, I am aware an angel took control of my car during that snowfall in order that I would step back and change the direction of my life. I still regularly feel the presence of angels.  I appreciate divine beings help me to broaden my horizons.  Stepping back, I recognize I had been ignoring my true self. Now I continue to prioritize creative visions that empower and inspire.  A recent bumper sticker told me I'm "protected by angels" and a girl next to me on the bus today was wearing a t-shirt that read "angels are watching you." 

Abundance

As you visualize the kind of existence you long for, you are intending it to happen.

As you are generous with your thoughts, gestures and all you can offer, you are sowing the seeds to experience different kinds of abundance in your life.  What does this mean exactly?

As you love unconditionally, you send your intention to receive unconditional love.

As you focus on creating wealth for others, wealth is arising for you in unforeseen ways.

As you clarify value beyond the measurable, your life feels it has immeasurable value. 

Whether or not you realize it, your thoughts and choices shape your evolving existence.

Leonardo da Vinci was able to make novel connections among dissimilar things. This clarified his notion of success. He invented and evolved as he learned. He challenged himself and grew.  What he offered the world was proportional to how much he loved and appreciated his own resourcefulness.  His legacy has immeasurable value.

When Einstein worked through a problem, he always found it necessary to rethink his subject in as many different ways as possible. He visualized solutions, and believed that words and numbers were less important than possibilities. The universe sent him back a wealth of new information. That wealth created wealth for others in different forms.

We can all learn to interpret the value of quality and quantity to our advantage.  We can discern the difference in our relationships, in reasons for giving and sacrificing.  Ask yourself what you truly wish for.  Ask the Universe for opportunities.  Ask and it is already given. You have more influence than you think!

“Life in abundance comes only through great love.” -Elbert Hubbard