5 Lessons from the Courage to be Disliked

Books that appear in our scope are guides on our path to greater fulfillment.Everything can be viewed as a teacher with a message when we are open to it.  Many people  list favorite spiritual books and such lists are often changing.

The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga  is a book full of surprising lessons.  I read it in the airport recently while awaiting a connection. Its conversational style is engaging yet requires paying attention to keep track of changing points of view. Millions of copies sold in Asia already, reading the English translation invites discovery of why its popularity is growing. When ready, readers of Kishimi and Koga's book are invited to grow aware of their own reflections and projections.

It is like a modern take on Shunryu Suzuki's Zen Mind that incorporates what Fumitake Koga describes as "the shock value of Adlerian psychology." Alfred Adler was an Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist, and founder of the school of "Individual Psychology." Adler viewed human beings as an individual whole. Along with Freud and Jung, Adler is viewed as one of three highly influential minds of psychology of the 19th century.

In a nutshell, the book unfolds through exchanges between a philosopher and student. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each human being exists to determine our own life, free from the limits of past experiences, doubts, and the expectations of others. The book invites readers reflect on what is deeply liberating, on what or whom allows us to reach inside ourselves to find the courage to change.  It is set up to invite readers to see through self-created limitations other people seem to place on us. Ponder these five lessons that stand out:

1. Accept you cannot please everyone

To say yes to everything and everyone, is setting yourself up for a fall. To be true to yourself means accepting how you feel, expressing your truth and accepting everyone is not going to agree with you or see the world in the same way you do. Agree to disagree and life is then much simpler.

2. Discover all relationship problems mirror inner conflict

The view offered is that we create relationships as a means to get to know ourselves.  This problems we think we have with others point to our unconscious resistance to accepting parts of our shadow.

3. See that seeking recognition is an ego trap

Instead of seeking recognition, pinpoint why you do not recognize yourself as you are, why you resists recognizing and celebrating what you have already achieved, or why you resist giving yourself recognition.

4. Discard other people's tasks

You are taught to live according to other people's views, desires, direction and percpetion of life pupose and experiences. Turns out, stepping back and recognizing who and what you truly live for is a thought-provoking and potentially life-transforming journey.

5. Trusting yourself and being confident are not the same

Feeling inferior or superior, making choices in life to reinforce related unconscious beliefs are stepping stones to growing aware of the bigger game that you are playing. No valid excuse exists for hiding from truth.  You only begin to see through and dismantle smokescreens when the ego becomes a friend and teacher. 

Three points for clarity

You may ask how to develop mindfulness.  Its less about doing than letting go.

Regardless of the area of your life, keep these three points in mind:

1)    The most important time is NOW

2)    The most important person is in front of you (in the mirror or whom you offer service)

3)    The most important thing to do is to care (show compassion)

"Enlightenment is understanding that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, except exactly who you’re being right now."- - Neale Donald Walsch

Keep nothing in mind

Notice what happens if you allow thoughts of what is right for you to limit your experience. The inner judge is active. Resistance, restlessness, impatience and disharmony are a focus.

As awareness grows, you see inner conflict only arises as you compare or exert effort to control. If this has not crossed your mind, its because thinking has nothing to do with it.

Notice what happens as you feel all is well and keep nothing in mind.  In this state of being, you appreciate everything as it is and see the beauty in it all. Intuition is the rudder and joy is the pilot. This is experienced as mindfulness.   Relish the sun rises and sets. Cherish all that is in between. At any moment, feel what happens as you no longer feel the urge to choose. 

Come to your senses

Falling asleep is easy.  Notice how many people are sleepwalking through life. Have you ever had the feeling that anyone is falling awake? Are you connected with yourself, your passion, your destiny? Who is asking this question? Who is answering it?

Many people have the impression their life is splitting apart.  Notice your own inner conflict? You may think you want one thing while you are doing another. If you work in one place, you may wish to work somewhere else or shift focus to start a business. If you are involved in one relationship, you may wish to be involved in another.

If you feel restless, think you want to go "there" while part of you is here, this is an invitation to recognize the nature of overthinking. If you have a body, a mind and especially if you have a cell phone to interrupt you, why not come to your senses?

Notice five familiar senses are sending you messages. The non-conceptual sixth sense is also active. Which ones do you hear and overlook? Senses reveal everything.  The mind judges or shifts focus from what no longer matters. Notice the focus of your attention.  How do you feel about it? What does this reveal about wakefulness? and tainted views?

Notice the diversions in your life of wants, fear, doubt and pain. Notice when you feel suppressed, repressed, or like you are running from something. How many times during the day do you interrupt yourself in thought and speech? Forget what matters?

Everything invites you to ponder what it means to be here in this moment.  Listen with your bones, your organs, your flesh and your whole being. Reflect on your life with an open heart and pure compassion. Notice what you see deep within. The distinct possibility exists you are re-introducing yourself to who you truly are. When not grounded by thoughts, time and space, then what happens to 'you?' Next time you are in the shower, notice who or what is in there with you. Notice the mind wanders away from the refreshing water and lather. Next time you are in public transit, notice the mind churning. Areyou asleep while awake? What sort of trail are 'you' leaving?

Do this simple exercise: be aware of the breath.  This is mindfulness or non-judgmental awareness.  It invites us to be aware of what is fundamental in life rather than on what the mind thinks is urgent.  Notice thoughts that arise as the mind prompts you run on an endless treadmill.  Notice the mind distracts you from the breath and just living.

Ever had the experience that you can see without seeing? Its like something is in front of you but you only notice it when you are ready. Something knows where you came from before you were born and observes everything all the time. We also only see and hear what we are willing to accept. Meditation allows mindfulness to arise. It enables you to cultivate intimacy with what is ordinary. Stop taking what comes naturally for granted.

How often are you true to yourself? The problem is not with doing anything in particular, its with the personal pronouns you use to identify with something you think has virtue. It is not what we do that matters but being aware of it and allowing ourselves to feel deeply. Allow yourself to be at home in all of the senses. Bring the mind home to awareness and refine your capacity to see things as they are. The challenge is to atop doing all that gets in the way. This is advanced training in the art of living.

"Today like everyday we awaken empty and scared." - Rumi

Train your attention

Mindfulness is training your attention to be awake and aware of what goes on inside and outside yourself.  It is a sharpening of the senses.  Notice what you are creating and adding to your experiences.  Notice also what ideas you cling to and also those attachments you are willing to let go. Notice the feelings that arise and dissipate as you decide nothing matters.

What do you sense about your own observation and evolving behaviour in this moment? How does your life perspective (the nature of seeing) shift as you only speak to people who are truly present? What do you see in common with people you encounter and those you don't?

"If you first fortify yourself with the true knowledge of the Universal Self, and then live in the midst of wealth and worldliness, surely they will in no way affect you." -Ramakrishna