5 Lessons from the Courage to be Disliked

Books that appear in our scope are guides on our path to greater fulfillment.Everything can be viewed as a teacher with a message when we are open to it.  Many people  list favorite spiritual books and such lists are often changing.

The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga  is a book full of surprising lessons.  I read it in the airport recently while awaiting a connection. Its conversational style is engaging yet requires paying attention to keep track of changing points of view. Millions of copies sold in Asia already, reading the English translation invites discovery of why its popularity is growing. When ready, readers of Kishimi and Koga's book are invited to grow aware of their own reflections and projections.

It is like a modern take on Shunryu Suzuki's Zen Mind that incorporates what Fumitake Koga describes as "the shock value of Adlerian psychology." Alfred Adler was an Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist, and founder of the school of "Individual Psychology." Adler viewed human beings as an individual whole. Along with Freud and Jung, Adler is viewed as one of three highly influential minds of psychology of the 19th century.

In a nutshell, the book unfolds through exchanges between a philosopher and student. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each human being exists to determine our own life, free from the limits of past experiences, doubts, and the expectations of others. The book invites readers reflect on what is deeply liberating, on what or whom allows us to reach inside ourselves to find the courage to change.  It is set up to invite readers to see through self-created limitations other people seem to place on us. Ponder these five lessons that stand out:

1. Accept you cannot please everyone

To say yes to everything and everyone, is setting yourself up for a fall. To be true to yourself means accepting how you feel, expressing your truth and accepting everyone is not going to agree with you or see the world in the same way you do. Agree to disagree and life is then much simpler.

2. Discover all relationship problems mirror inner conflict

The view offered is that we create relationships as a means to get to know ourselves.  This problems we think we have with others point to our unconscious resistance to accepting parts of our shadow.

3. See that seeking recognition is an ego trap

Instead of seeking recognition, pinpoint why you do not recognize yourself as you are, why you resists recognizing and celebrating what you have already achieved, or why you resist giving yourself recognition.

4. Discard other people's tasks

You are taught to live according to other people's views, desires, direction and percpetion of life pupose and experiences. Turns out, stepping back and recognizing who and what you truly live for is a thought-provoking and potentially life-transforming journey.

5. Trusting yourself and being confident are not the same

Feeling inferior or superior, making choices in life to reinforce related unconscious beliefs are stepping stones to growing aware of the bigger game that you are playing. No valid excuse exists for hiding from truth.  You only begin to see through and dismantle smokescreens when the ego becomes a friend and teacher. 

4 Tips to transform relationships

If you desire to change soething about your relationships, its helpful to realize you must begin with yourself.  Reflect on these 4 tips to transform your relationships by shifting your point of attention inward:

1. Notice relationships mirror beliefs: 

Your beliefs about relationships, men, women, children, pets, love and anything emerge as relationships. The beliefs each person holds prompt us to react and act  to support our growth and conscious awakening.  In order to experience anything or anyone you must first relate to it. For instance, the nature of relationships reflects what you are choosing to vibrate. Even if your partner is being faithful, if you vibrate distrust you will look for reasons to prove otherwise and you experience an echo of this.  Beliefs that govern your experiences and relationships point to subconscious core beliefs.  Since your relationships are based on them, you perpetuate a vicious circle until they are made conscious and healed.

2. Be accountable for all your qualities: 

Every quality you see in your partner, is your mirror. The more you dislike a certain quality, the more it is showing you a part of your consciousness that you are not acknowledging. For instance, if you dislike your partner's jealous nature, you will find that you too are jealous perhaps not of him or her but of others. If your partner's or child's competitiveness annoys you, this reveals you do not see competitiveness in yourself. If your partner's negativity or insecurities get you down, this reveals the same about you. The only reason that these qualities are annoying you is because they are also yours. As long as you do not acknowledge them as your own they will continue to frustrate you, while owning up to them allows you to grow.   You may find that even some positive qualities annoy you. For example, if your partner's overly kind and giving nature frustrates you, it reveals you want to be more generous but resist. Alternatively, your partners' ability to forgive may make you uneasy. See it as an opportunity to forgive. 

3. Own what frustrates you in others:

When your partner acts in ways that upset you, you too act in the same way, most likely not towards him or her but towards yourself and probably others. The more some behaviour frustrates you, the more it reflects a part of you that you are not owning. If your partner treats you with disrespect, look within yourself and see who you treat with similar disrespect, whether it be a friend, a family member or yourself. If your partner criticises you, you will find that you are critical of yourself and others. If your partner ignores your needs, you will find that you too ignore your own needs or those of others. Ultimately, you teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself.

You may find that the quality you see in your partner appears to be the opposite of your own quality, but in fact it is the same quality expressed in a different way. It is still your mirror. For example, the introvert attracts the extrovert, the weak attracts the strong, the giving attracts the taking. Such seemingly opposite partners attract each other so that they can learn from each other and bring their own extreme quality into balance. In order to attract your opposite, you yourself have to be at the other end of the spectrum and so are unbalanced as far as that quality is concerned. Simply put, opposites attract in search of balance. When none of your qualities are at either extreme of the spectrum, then you can no longer attract its opposite.

4. Face the truth of all relationships: 

Emotionally and physically abusive relationships mirror qualities/ core beliefs like any other relationship. At the root of abusive relationships is a deep lack of self-worth in the abused partner. The only way to rise above such relationships is through the power of self-love.  The more you love yourself, the less you put up with any lesser behaviour toward you from others, the more you invite a mirror of self loving treatment.

Value relationship mirrors

Relationships are mirrors for us to learn more about ourselves. Relationships are mirrors of (1) who you were, (2) where you are now on your path and (3) your potential (who you know you are inside but have yet to manifest).

If an issue or person has an emotional "charge" to it, then you still have work to do. This mirror can feel challenging as it reflects the things you have not yet finished in your karma. These are matters we resist recognizing, accepting and integrating.  Interacting with admired individuals gives you a glimpse at who you could be, if you let go of thoughts that hold you back. 

All relationships exist so each human being can work on the spiritual self and karma. It is a process of polishing our own mirror. We do not see ourselves in the reflection and forget who we really are is beyond the mirror.  The more you clear up emotional triggers/ issues, the more you discover you model the ‘right’ person, that person you tell yourself you are looking for in a partner or other relationship to feel whole.

Its helpful to remember every human is a spiritual being choosing to have a physical experience. That is, you are a soul in a body (for a while). Soul Mates are other souls that have agreed to connect with you on this planet for a purpose. In some cases it is to clear up karma, finish unfinished business, to achieve a particular goal together. When Soul Mates first meet they sense deja-vu. Every encounter is a pointer to what is beyond the mirror.

Change your thoughts & your life

To get different results from yourself in any area of life, you have to start thinking differently about people, relationships and situations.  Changing your thoughts changes your perception of everything and also transforms your life.

Recall that people function based on their level of consciousness. How you view the world is not necessary the same as how someone else views and understands things. Note the metaphor of 'seeing eye-to-eye' or at the same level. As it happens, everyone is not always 'on the same page.' 

When you see someone as an enemy or trouble maker, your experience has to confirm it. If you see someone as a teacher or partner or something else, evidence arises to confirm that. You get to choose how to think, what to feel and experience.

You may not like what other people do or say, but not liking how they behave is not an excuse for you to not accept accountability for how you behave. Stop waiting for other people to change, or complaining when they do not. You choose how you think and feel, not a reaction to someone else. Taking personal responsibility is everything.  This is also true for the ‘difficult’ people. The only way they will ever change is if they choose to. 

People don’t change for your reasons, they change for their own, if they change at all. Allowing negative emotion to arise does not change this. Recognizing you only control how you feel is one of the most liberating gifts you can give yourself.

5 Tips to Identify what you want

Before you can determine whether someone else can assist you on your journey, you need to be willing to help yourself. You are creating the parameters, the road you wish to travel. Someone can help you decode aspects of this road, but you need to bravely decide what you want to do along the way.  Here are 5 tips to help you identify what you want;

1) Give yourself some quiet time- take steps to reflect on shifts or transitions unfolding in your life, listen with the heart and feel the messages.  They are gifts you give yourself.

2) Pay attention to thoughts and feelings- you constantly give yourself messages but habits and conditioning may block seeing the subsconsious reasons you do things. 

3) Be alert to your relationships- what sorts of people do you attract and alienate? Who are you in a hurry to get away from? Who makes you feel at ease? Each human, animal (or other) guides you to see what you want more clearly.

4) Decode your priorities- are you devoting most or all of your time to something you love or, do you bide your time? Some people are talkers, others doers, still others focus on allowing the universe to make it happen.  Which are you? 

5) Note the power of spontaneity- when you are drawn to something without doubt or analysis and do not attempt to talk yourself out of it, you know you are following the positive power of the universe in the form of spontaneity.  This is a sign you are on the right track, doing what brings more joy.