Trading places, spaces and identities

Okay, so you're having a hard time understanding someone's behavior or point of view. What are you doing about that? Maybe you ignore the person and hope he or she goes away. You could request clarification, but the person in question may simply repeat what was already said and leave you confused or frustrated. This is an invitation from the universe to gain insight into yourself.

If you wish to better understand someone, you have other options. Imagine you trade places. That's right! Pretend you're the person with whom you disagree. If you were in this person's shoes, how would you feel? What would your motives be for a particular opinion? What do you gain from being inflexible? What does this say about your personality? How do(es) culture, social role, religion, age, gender and life experience influence your perception and attitude?

As you ponder answers, you begin to see new points of view. You begin to see that the anger, fear or resistance are simply layers of illusion to be peeled away. What matters is you open the heart and show compassion. Listen to what someone is really saying. Words and gestures are smokescreens.

What is Balance?

Balance is forever present, yet people often find themselves believing they must chase it. Slow down. Stop even. Watch the mind going in circles. Let go of beliefs that have you side-tracked. What is permanent is an innate state unaffected by worry.

To paraphrase the poet Kalhil Gibran,

Without the energy of Hate, we don't understand the full energy of Love.
Without Sadness we don't understand the full energy of Happiness.
Without Evil we don't understand the full energy of Good.
Without Chaos we don't understand the full energy of Peace.

Staying power

Notice the conditions and relationships that have staying power or longevity in your life.  What keeps them in your scope or focus of attention?  What solidifies a bond between friends or partners and convinces them to 'stick it out' even when circumstances are difficult? What keeps certain people connected?

"The prospect of growing old together," admit one middle-aged couple.

"The loneliness I see among mature singles around me," replies one married man.

"We give each other strength," admits a female partner of 10 years.

"The joys of our children and grandchildren," explain grandparents.

"Shared values," notes a married woman.

You hear about financial troubles, serious illness, workaholism and other hurtful habits or activities, and yet, people who choose to stay connected somehow recognize how trivial many of their trials, disagreements or concerns really are.  They talk things out and let go.  They learn how not to hold grudges.  Instead, they focus on what brought them together.  They reminisce about how and why they overcame problems in the past. 

Couples that stay together through hardship learn it enables them to grow stronger and build trust. They learn the value of apology and forgiveness in and work through destructive, negative thoughts and feelings.  Healthier relationships are those where partners find ways to face the truth about themselves and also evolve together. A shared vision, a willingness to listen to each other, can lead to a relationship with staying power.  People will often offer you advice about your life.  Evaluate it thoroughly from your perspective. You are accountable for your decisions. Depend on yourself. Have faith in yourself. Share your intuitive views and see what feels right.

How to stop overthinking

Overthinking occurs when you have a hard time turning off your mind. Worry and anxiety creep in. All those 'what ifs' capture your attention.  You anticipate how things could go wrong, and how you could respond to unforeseen situations. Overthinking reflects you judge and self-criticize what you have already done and you justify why.

As you read this, you may know what its like to have thoughts run wild and wonder what to do about it.  They compel you to re-examine actions you have already taken and those you wonder if you should. You may question whether you said the right thing, wonder how people interpreted your behaviour. You may keep going over and over decisions, questioning your own motives and what is best for you or others involved.

Consider your tendency to overthink based on how you reply to these questions:

In terms of dating: Why did I wear that outfit? Why was my make-up smudged? Why didn't he look my way? What must she think of me? What must his/ her friends think? Where can we go that would be impressive? How do I know if I said the wrong thing?

In terms of relationships: What will my spouse say when s/he finds out what I have done? What could my friends/ in-laws think of my choice? How can I be sure they will understand my point of view? Why are they not phoning/ including me?

In terms of body-image: Why does the mirror make me look so fat/ skinny? Where does all the acne come from?  Who actually calls these marks beauty spots? How can wrinkles be taken as laugh lines? Why do I keep gaining weight when I exercise/ eat right/ am always on a diet? Whay am I never satisfied about how I look?

In terms of depression:  How isolated did I feel? What could explain this prolonged loneliness? Why did s/he leave me?Why am I unmotivated? Why am I having trouble concentrating? Why do I feel restless and sluggish? How long does this post-natal depression thing last? Can how I feel be labelled depression?

In terms of work: Why aren't I capable of coping with my job/ schedule and family responsibilities? Why am I not living up to expectations? When will I pull myself together? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I get over it? When should I go back to work? Why are they asking me to rethink my role as a stay-at home parent?

As you realize you are overthinking, notice the messages about self-worth, self-love and acceptance that speak to you. Notice whether you are allowing fear and ego to control you.  Notice your word choices and how they may disempower you. You actually have choices about which words to use and which thoughts to think.

As an exercise to see what overthinking is inviting you to see about yourself, write 5 phrases relevant to your situation. What do you over-analyze? Write down the feelings that stand out about each phrase (i.e. fear, self-doubt, etc.) Notice if they feel positive or negative. Now, rather than assume something negative happened or will, assume positive things. Know how you think is shaped by your feelings and whether you focus on the future. Fear only exists there. It cannot exist in the present moment.

As you recognize you tend to over analyze people and situations, this is inviting you to step back and learn about yourself. To notice overthinking acknowledges discomfort about something inside. As you look deeper to discover why, you can tailor your strategies to curtail or stop it.  Why do you do the things you do? Maybe some of these resonate with you? If not, reflect on other possible reasons. Jot those down and reflect.

a) Indecisiveness/ low self-confidence (unsure what you want)
b) Strong sense of entitlement (ego success-driven)
c) Never satisfied/ perfectionistic
d) Seek approval & acceptance / fear disapproval & rejection 
e) Diagnosed with psychological/ psychiatric illness

What if every reason you could possibly give to explain why you over-analyze brings you back to a plea for love? What if everything invites you to be more aware of how you can love Self and others unconditionally?  One perspective is every experience invites you to love yourself more and see yourself as you really are. To overthink suggests you choose to focus on fear rather than love, and you can shift attention anytime.

"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It`s a death trap." -Anthony Hopkins

The unseen and intangible

What is it that causes you to take chances in your life? When you choose to risk losing something that means a lot to you, this requires courage. Your sixth sense may warn you of impending dangers in enough time to avoid them. Then again, you may not heed warnings of your inner voice, or even notice them, and then, taking risks may end up harming you.

What enables you to sense opportunities on the horizon? You may get good vibes after speaking with someone or you may simply develop an attitude that a great career change is around the corner. This kind of positive feeling may motivate you to impulsively attend a casting or submit a resume to a senior manager over an impromptu lunch.

You may reply that unseen and intangible signs enable you to uncover elements of faith.  You may imitate individuals you admire who have taken chances and succeeded along their own paths. Although you may study cause and effect, and gain insight into the spirit of positive thinking, only understanding of your own patterns and characteristics enables you to see the difference between thinking and feeling the nature of a risk. Thinking is grounded in fear. Feeling is guided by love. Notice when you think with the head or feel with the heart.

At some stage, you no longer judge yourself.  So, you come to see everything as experience with the same opportunities to love and accept yourself fully of not.  Now all you do is trust.