Shape your life

How many people do you know who don't like to make their own decisions or don't know how? These kinds of people ask someone else what to do or ask someone to do it for them.  Maybe you generously help someone with decisions, not realizing that you may actually prevent this person from developing key life skills. 

If you're having a tough time, and feel very vulnerable, you may prefer to lean on someone.  You may have lost a loved one, be in a destructive relationship or feel stuck in a self-defeating situation. You may ask people to guide you, tell you what to do, and eliminate your bad choices.  Yet, not facing things on your own means you permit fear or uncertainty to control you.  This may prevent you from learning to seek professional help you need.  Unless you figure out how to leave a destructive situation, or grow from what you now see were bad choices, you may become dependent on people for judgments and self-assessments you need to learn to make yourself. 

Maybe you have a conflict looming, where you're definitely in the right, yet, obtaining more just and ethical treatment isn't easy.  The experience may be an ongoining trial of patience and inner strength.  You may fear losing faith in the process, losing faith in yourself and wonder about the implications of any decisions. What would be the best thing to do now?

Rest assured that you're frequently being given new opportunities to change, to learn from mistakes and then, to try again and make better decisions.  It's all in how you look at the situation.  You have power to take charge of your life, to learn to read your intuition.  We all benefit from learning to look at ourselves to see where and when we have grown,how we have contributed to the lives of others, and why we have had a sense of failure. Learning to deal with the truth of why we evade choices and situations enables us to shape our lives for the better.

How to stop overthinking

Overthinking occurs when you have a hard time turning off your mind. Worry and anxiety creep in. All those 'what ifs' capture your attention.  You anticipate how things could go wrong, and how you could respond to unforeseen situations. Overthinking reflects you judge and self-criticize what you have already done and you justify why.

As you read this, you may know what its like to have thoughts run wild and wonder what to do about it.  They compel you to re-examine actions you have already taken and those you wonder if you should. You may question whether you said the right thing, wonder how people interpreted your behaviour. You may keep going over and over decisions, questioning your own motives and what is best for you or others involved.

Consider your tendency to overthink based on how you reply to these questions:

In terms of dating: Why did I wear that outfit? Why was my make-up smudged? Why didn't he look my way? What must she think of me? What must his/ her friends think? Where can we go that would be impressive? How do I know if I said the wrong thing?

In terms of relationships: What will my spouse say when s/he finds out what I have done? What could my friends/ in-laws think of my choice? How can I be sure they will understand my point of view? Why are they not phoning/ including me?

In terms of body-image: Why does the mirror make me look so fat/ skinny? Where does all the acne come from?  Who actually calls these marks beauty spots? How can wrinkles be taken as laugh lines? Why do I keep gaining weight when I exercise/ eat right/ am always on a diet? Whay am I never satisfied about how I look?

In terms of depression:  How isolated did I feel? What could explain this prolonged loneliness? Why did s/he leave me?Why am I unmotivated? Why am I having trouble concentrating? Why do I feel restless and sluggish? How long does this post-natal depression thing last? Can how I feel be labelled depression?

In terms of work: Why aren't I capable of coping with my job/ schedule and family responsibilities? Why am I not living up to expectations? When will I pull myself together? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I get over it? When should I go back to work? Why are they asking me to rethink my role as a stay-at home parent?

As you realize you are overthinking, notice the messages about self-worth, self-love and acceptance that speak to you. Notice whether you are allowing fear and ego to control you.  Notice your word choices and how they may disempower you. You actually have choices about which words to use and which thoughts to think.

As an exercise to see what overthinking is inviting you to see about yourself, write 5 phrases relevant to your situation. What do you over-analyze? Write down the feelings that stand out about each phrase (i.e. fear, self-doubt, etc.) Notice if they feel positive or negative. Now, rather than assume something negative happened or will, assume positive things. Know how you think is shaped by your feelings and whether you focus on the future. Fear only exists there. It cannot exist in the present moment.

As you recognize you tend to over analyze people and situations, this is inviting you to step back and learn about yourself. To notice overthinking acknowledges discomfort about something inside. As you look deeper to discover why, you can tailor your strategies to curtail or stop it.  Why do you do the things you do? Maybe some of these resonate with you? If not, reflect on other possible reasons. Jot those down and reflect.

a) Indecisiveness/ low self-confidence (unsure what you want)
b) Strong sense of entitlement (ego success-driven)
c) Never satisfied/ perfectionistic
d) Seek approval & acceptance / fear disapproval & rejection 
e) Diagnosed with psychological/ psychiatric illness

What if every reason you could possibly give to explain why you over-analyze brings you back to a plea for love? What if everything invites you to be more aware of how you can love Self and others unconditionally?  One perspective is every experience invites you to love yourself more and see yourself as you really are. To overthink suggests you choose to focus on fear rather than love, and you can shift attention anytime.

"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It`s a death trap." -Anthony Hopkins

The unseen and intangible

What is it that causes you to take chances in your life? When you choose to risk losing something that means a lot to you, this requires courage. Your sixth sense may warn you of impending dangers in enough time to avoid them. Then again, you may not heed warnings of your inner voice, or even notice them, and then, taking risks may end up harming you.

What enables you to sense opportunities on the horizon? You may get good vibes after speaking with someone or you may simply develop an attitude that a great career change is around the corner. This kind of positive feeling may motivate you to impulsively attend a casting or submit a resume to a senior manager over an impromptu lunch.

You may reply that unseen and intangible signs enable you to uncover elements of faith.  You may imitate individuals you admire who have taken chances and succeeded along their own paths. Although you may study cause and effect, and gain insight into the spirit of positive thinking, only understanding of your own patterns and characteristics enables you to see the difference between thinking and feeling the nature of a risk. Thinking is grounded in fear. Feeling is guided by love. Notice when you think with the head or feel with the heart.

At some stage, you no longer judge yourself.  So, you come to see everything as experience with the same opportunities to love and accept yourself fully of not.  Now all you do is trust.

Outwit Mother Nature

Blair Hill was born a deaf mute without ears whom physicians didn't expect to hear. Yet, his father Napoleon decided to instill in his son a strong desire to hear. The man refused to accept that his offspring was deaf, and, as the child grew older, it became clear he had a slight degree of hearing. When Blair's parents decided to buy a phonograph, it was like a new beginning for their son. He clenched his teeth on the side of the case and began to learn the power of vibration and the significance of bone conduction. He grew to hear his father's voice when his lips touched the boy's mastoid bone. Napoleon diligently devised stories that aimed to inspire self-reliance, imagination and a desire to speak and hear normally. At a young age, he ventured out into streets to sell papers and revealed himself as an ambitious, resourceful businessman. Late in college, he tried a new hearing device which enabled him to hear properly for the first time. Blair Hill became motivated to create and implement a hugely successful marketing plan that helped deaf people hear. He realized his goal to facilitate the miracle of human hearing.

“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible. “ - Saint Thomas Aquinas

Endings are really beginnings

Early in The Five People You Meet in Heaven, author Mitch Albom says that "all endings are also beginnings." His protagonist Eddie goes about the last 30 minutes of his life on Earth as a routine.

He is an old, wounded war veteran, who feels he had led an uninspired life. His chosen job is fixing rides at a seaside amusement park. On his 83rd birthday, a tragic accident kills him as he tries to save a little girl from a falling cart. He awakes in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is a place where your life is explained to you by five people, some of whom you knew, others who may have been strangers. One by one, from childhood to soldier to old age, Eddie's five people identify Earthly connections to him.  They give him reason to rethink his ideas of a  "meaningless" life, and shed new light on timeless question: "Why was I here?"

The five life lessons clarified for Eddy by angels are:

1- There are no random acts. Strangers are like family you have yet to know.

2- Sacrificing precious things, doesn't mean you lose them. You pass them on to someone else.

3- When we're angry, we hurt ourselves more than other people. Learn to forgive.

4- Life has to end, but love doesn't.

5- Your good deeds can help make up for what has been done before you.

How do you feel about these lessons? What kinds of life experiences have influenced your views? Explain how you understand connections among people you meet and your life experiences.