Why do people choose to lie?

What is so difficult about admitting you made a mistake? How many people have you met who would prefer to lie rather than to swallow their pride and admit they miscalculated or were ignorant of certain facts? Do their dishonest tendencies rub off on or tempt you to do the same?  You don't have to follow this example.  If you do lie, it would be helpful to learn to understand when and why.  Only then you will you be able to see benefits of making different choices. 

Societies we live in promote excellence and encourge us to strive for perfection. Some people haven't yet grasped that learning involves falling down and figuring out how to get up again.  Making mistakes is an acceptable and effective way to learn.  Think back to when you become aware of the power of language and how you could use it.  During childhood, you may have learned to lie without bad intentions.  You may have aimd to test what or whom to manipulate. You may have learned to lie to avoid punishments or to strategically get things you wanted.

As you aged, you may have devised white lies to protect other’s feelings, and seen lies as harmless.  Yet, if you have evolved to lie with neither compassion nor conscience, that is more problematic.   Such individuals may be compulsive liars who lie to protect themselves, to look good, gain financially or socially and avoid judgment or reprimand.  Compulsive liars become transparent and gain a bad reputation.  People realize this tendency and come to pity the liar. Both the liar and observers recognize that lying is a choice, yet a person can only change himself.

Thos people who lie mainly for personal gain may be diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder, also known as being a sociopath, and often encounter repeated trouble with authorities.  Lying has been known to worsen with time. When you get away with a lie, you may continue your deceptions. Also, liars often feel it necessary to continue lying to to cover their past dishonesty. 

Why is it that we hold people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth?  We expect, for example, less integrity from politicians than from scientists.  We have a vision of purity for clergy, teachers, law enforcement, bosses, and we imagine politicians and other kinds of people will at least shade the truth for personal gain. Somehow, real accountability is lacking. What will it take to change ways we respond? Do you forgive, seek respite or act differently?  

Why do we dislike liars? It’s a matter of trust.  These people break an unspoken agreement to treat others with respect as we desire to be treated.  Serious deception may make it impossible for us to trust another person again. You may evolve to assume guilty until proven innocent rather than thinking a person is honest unless his behavior leads you to believe otherwise. Since trust is on the line, admitting lies as soon as possible is desireable.  If the truth only comes out once it is forced through confrontation, the repair of trust is less likely.

If you're a parent, teach your children to come clean about lying.  No matter how big a whopper they may have told, tell them you prefer to hear the truth from them, no matter how bad, than be deceived.  Show them nothing is more sacred in your relationship than your bond of trust.     Draw from stories to illustrate the long and short-term drawbacks of deception.

Which strategies help you to best detect whether you're being misled? There is no guaranteed way, but behavioural clues may give you reason to become suspicious:

Avoidance of eye contact: With a few cultural exceptions, and exteme shyness aside, people typically make eye contact at least half the time they speak with you.  If you see them avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific part of a conversation, they may well be lying.

Curious voice variations: A variation of voice pitch or rate in speech can be a sign of lying. Note also lots of umms and ahhs. Where a person searches to explain an event, an absence or lack of information you would assume to be simple, the lag time may mean they have things to hide.

Body language. Turning your body away, fidgeting, covering your face or mouth with a hand, shaky hands or legs can indicate deception. Sucking on fingers and changing the subject from the task at hand are also often signs of more than observable nervousness. Guilt may be visible because a liar is unable to contain feeling uncomfortable or tempering a conscience.

Contradicting oneself. When a person makes assertions that just don’t hold together, you may have good reason to be suspicious.  Consider a person who invites you to join a club and then, tells you he never invited you in the first place, just after your role as treasurer enabled you to discover inaccurate financial books, well, listen to your instincts. When someone changes subjects, he may be trying to sway your attention from the crux of the dishonesty.

Recognize that if you lie a lot, even about what you think are unimportant things, you are likely to develop bigger problems that will eventually cause you real relationship, financial or legal troubles. Figuring out what is driving you to lie will help heal this self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a therapist to discover why you feel the need to deceive. Ask yourself what you may hide from. Remind yourself all roads to self-discovery are beneficial.

5 tips to help you find your soul mate

We hear it often.  Friends tell you they're looking for that special someone. Who is this person anyway? You may know people who list traits to help them figure out how to work backwards and find the person they would really like to be themselves. Does this sound like you? Maybe you analyze the sorts of qualities in a person whom you believe would be compatible with you or not. If your confused about the kind of person you seek or question whether you're with 'the right partner,' consider the following questions to help you discover how you feel and what you want:

1) Does this person bring out the best in you? If a person draws negative energies out of you, such as the desire to throw things, give the 'silent treatment,' stand-the-person-up in places, spurt out insults, or to repress your true feelings, then the person isn't developing your strengths.

2) Would you rewind and relive special moments? If a person never takes steps to express tender feelings, such as to demonstrate affection, to devote time to make you feel cherished and appreciated on your birthday, anniversary or other occasions, the person isn't valuing you like you deserve. Ask yourself how you would desire to be treated and compare this with how you are. 

3) Does the person energize and inspire you? If you're not the quiet type who likes gardening, books, classical music and poetry, then its conceivable that a heavy metal rock singer or a sumo wrestler wouldn't be your type. Being around individuals, listening to them talk and sharing in what they do will give you get a sense of whether they intrigue you or compel you to run away.

4)Could their habits 'get your goat?' If your you meet a person who is known to burp, fart and outdo people in eating and drinking contests, and challenge other people with unhealthy habits, these patterns may be the tip of the iceberg. If you feel uncomfortable around people because of how they look, what they do or say, their behavior helps you clarify your own values and principles, goals,desireable manners and etiquette. If people annoy you, compatibility is out.

5) Would you hope to be seen together? If a person totally embarasses you at every possible chance and wouldn't be the sort of person you would bring home to meet the family, this may not a good sign. Remind yourself its not how a person looks that means so much but how that person enables you to feel about you that matters. After all, when teeth and hair fall out, body shape changes and voice cracks, humor still counts.

Everyone you meet will not be your soul mate. Your soul mate is actually yourself. The better you get-to-know your likes and dislikes, habits, desires, hopes and dreams, the more likely you'll be to find someone who compliments them and encourages you to be yourself.  Everyone you meet either reflects traits in yourself or mirrors what you aren't and don't want. It's always in your power to change. If you choose to evolve, it shouldn't be because someone tells you. Decide for yourself. 

Are you too hard on yourself?

Do you get frustrated or disappointed with yourself to the point where you reprimand or punish yourself for your own behavior or lack of initiative? You may debate with yourself about positions to take or avoid in your circumstances. Do you feel stuck between 'a rock and a harder place?' Remind yourself that the controversy you create in your own mind is exactly that, an imagined dispute based on differing opinions.  You can't predict exactly what will happen when you speak with people about issues that bother you.  You may create controversy where there will be none.

1) If you stand up to a boss who behaves unethically or immorally, will you lose your job?

2) If you confront your intrusive mother-in-law for showing up at your house and taking over, will this jeopardize your relationship with your family and in-laws?

3) If you express a desire to use birth control, will it alientate your partner, family or community?

4) If you discover evidence and publically chastise hidden drug use among athletes in local high schools, will the backlash affect your children? your family? peers? community?

We all have disagreements with individuals in our lives and we aren't always happy with our own choices. Consider strategies before dealing with issues you feel may cause contention:

•    Analyze your situation : why do you feel the way you do?
•    Consider advantages & disadvantages of positions: who benefits & how?
•    Pinpoint reasons for anxiety: how might others react?
•    Identify your underyling values: what really holds you back?
•    Consult people you trust: what would they do & why?
•    Review your options : what couse of action seems best?

Back to basics

You may be one of those people who isn't yet focused on particular goals.  In fact, you may be unfamilliar with the goal-setting process and even what it requires to get in a mindset to start.    The key is to nurture a desire within yourself to do things differently than you have done before.  As you evolve and wish to take action, your source of motivation is actually giving you a sign.

1) Recognize a sense of restlessness or discontent inside yourself.

2) Ask yourself honestly why you feel this way.

3) Discover when you may blame others for your situation.

4) Take responsibility for how you feel & what you do & where you are.

5) Identify how you would like to think, act, feel and use your senses differently.

6) Map out workable steps to get from where you are to where you aspire to be.

Embracing adversity

Every person encounters adversity or, you might say that it even seeks you out. Do you ever feel as though you invite in the gremlins, the trouble or even disastrous circumstances? How might your understanding of yourself be enlarged and enhanced as the result of dealing with these things?

Imagine each challenging experience is another means to clarify or expand on your identity.  Do you feel as though you have had enough "tests?" Thinking you know something and experiencing it differ. Each learning phase further clarifies your understanding of success as well. People may criticize you, fire you from a job, abandon you in a relationship and their ideas of hardship may differ from your own.  You may retain or reject, combine and review reasons for adversity.  You learn your limits, more about strengths and weaknesses,  You even sense new kind of evolution.  At first, this may seem hard to grasp, yet, perceived difficulties are not always what they seem.

For some people, struggling to pay bills or find adequate food represents a level of adversity.  For others, being discouraged about goal-setting, not achieving goals fast enough, not getting chosen for a promotion, not feeling driven or losing a loved one, lead to undesireable suffering.  A closer look reveals varied circumstances enable you to learn to recognize and distinguish among choices.  You may experience and evaluate emotions.  You are given opportunities to compare options, to develop open or closed-mindedness, to explore sources of meaning in life.

I spoke with an older woman who described an example of adversity as very tough period in her personal life.  She confided that the process of separating from and divorcing her partner taught her that each relationship is like a horizon.  This woman sees herself differently now than she did then.  She chose to read books. She realized her past relationship choices were ways to send herself messages about what was meaningful and destructive in her life. 

At a given time, we each interpret experiences based on what we know about ourselves. Over time, the woman figured out what steps she had to take to change her circumstances for the better. She came to see success at every phase of her life based on how she chose to learn and grow. Now she has new inner strength which enables her to make healthier relationship choices.

Kaile Warren's life is quite a success story. Adversity came and shattered his life in the form of a debilitating car accident cost that him his thriving construction business, then his home, his financial security and his marriage.   As a homeless, discouraged man driven to sleep alone in an abandoned warehouse, he remembered his last 500$ in his pocket.  One night, he had a revelation about a new business idea. He went out the very next day and bought an old second hand white van. He painted "rent-a-husband" on the side. He paid money to get flyers made and put those on the windshields of women's cars he knew in his divorced support church group. 

One thing led to another. Before long, he had more work than he could handle.  He was even invited to do a local television interview which led to unexpected widespread marketing when the tv station shared the story with a national station.  Embracing adversity and choosing to move forward enabled him to start as a one-man operation designed to tackle all household projects, from air-conditioning installation to yard raking. This business grew to have franchises in multiple U.S. states and also in foreign countries.  Adversity can be a stepping stone to success.