Are you too hard on yourself?

Do you get frustrated or disappointed with yourself to the point where you reprimand or punish yourself for your own behavior or lack of initiative? You may debate with yourself about positions to take or avoid in your circumstances. Do you feel stuck between 'a rock and a harder place?' Remind yourself that the controversy you create in your own mind is exactly that, an imagined dispute based on differing opinions.  You can't predict exactly what will happen when you speak with people about issues that bother you.  You may create controversy where there will be none.

1) If you stand up to a boss who behaves unethically or immorally, will you lose your job?

2) If you confront your intrusive mother-in-law for showing up at your house and taking over, will this jeopardize your relationship with your family and in-laws?

3) If you express a desire to use birth control, will it alientate your partner, family or community?

4) If you discover evidence and publically chastise hidden drug use among athletes in local high schools, will the backlash affect your children? your family? peers? community?

We all have disagreements with individuals in our lives and we aren't always happy with our own choices. Consider strategies before dealing with issues you feel may cause contention:

•    Analyze your situation : why do you feel the way you do?
•    Consider advantages & disadvantages of positions: who benefits & how?
•    Pinpoint reasons for anxiety: how might others react?
•    Identify your underyling values: what really holds you back?
•    Consult people you trust: what would they do & why?
•    Review your options : what couse of action seems best?

Back to basics

You may be one of those people who isn't yet focused on particular goals.  In fact, you may be unfamilliar with the goal-setting process and even what it requires to get in a mindset to start.    The key is to nurture a desire within yourself to do things differently than you have done before.  As you evolve and wish to take action, your source of motivation is actually giving you a sign.

1) Recognize a sense of restlessness or discontent inside yourself.

2) Ask yourself honestly why you feel this way.

3) Discover when you may blame others for your situation.

4) Take responsibility for how you feel & what you do & where you are.

5) Identify how you would like to think, act, feel and use your senses differently.

6) Map out workable steps to get from where you are to where you aspire to be.

Embracing adversity

Every person encounters adversity or, you might say that it even seeks you out. Do you ever feel as though you invite in the gremlins, the trouble or even disastrous circumstances? How might your understanding of yourself be enlarged and enhanced as the result of dealing with these things?

Imagine each challenging experience is another means to clarify or expand on your identity.  Do you feel as though you have had enough "tests?" Thinking you know something and experiencing it differ. Each learning phase further clarifies your understanding of success as well. People may criticize you, fire you from a job, abandon you in a relationship and their ideas of hardship may differ from your own.  You may retain or reject, combine and review reasons for adversity.  You learn your limits, more about strengths and weaknesses,  You even sense new kind of evolution.  At first, this may seem hard to grasp, yet, perceived difficulties are not always what they seem.

For some people, struggling to pay bills or find adequate food represents a level of adversity.  For others, being discouraged about goal-setting, not achieving goals fast enough, not getting chosen for a promotion, not feeling driven or losing a loved one, lead to undesireable suffering.  A closer look reveals varied circumstances enable you to learn to recognize and distinguish among choices.  You may experience and evaluate emotions.  You are given opportunities to compare options, to develop open or closed-mindedness, to explore sources of meaning in life.

I spoke with an older woman who described an example of adversity as very tough period in her personal life.  She confided that the process of separating from and divorcing her partner taught her that each relationship is like a horizon.  This woman sees herself differently now than she did then.  She chose to read books. She realized her past relationship choices were ways to send herself messages about what was meaningful and destructive in her life. 

At a given time, we each interpret experiences based on what we know about ourselves. Over time, the woman figured out what steps she had to take to change her circumstances for the better. She came to see success at every phase of her life based on how she chose to learn and grow. Now she has new inner strength which enables her to make healthier relationship choices.

Kaile Warren's life is quite a success story. Adversity came and shattered his life in the form of a debilitating car accident cost that him his thriving construction business, then his home, his financial security and his marriage.   As a homeless, discouraged man driven to sleep alone in an abandoned warehouse, he remembered his last 500$ in his pocket.  One night, he had a revelation about a new business idea. He went out the very next day and bought an old second hand white van. He painted "rent-a-husband" on the side. He paid money to get flyers made and put those on the windshields of women's cars he knew in his divorced support church group. 

One thing led to another. Before long, he had more work than he could handle.  He was even invited to do a local television interview which led to unexpected widespread marketing when the tv station shared the story with a national station.  Embracing adversity and choosing to move forward enabled him to start as a one-man operation designed to tackle all household projects, from air-conditioning installation to yard raking. This business grew to have franchises in multiple U.S. states and also in foreign countries.  Adversity can be a stepping stone to success.

Timing is everything

Each of us has opportunities to learn all kinds of facts and figures in school.  Its often understood that the practical things you learn outside the classroom may also be very useful to you in life.  Knowledge alone only gets you so far unless you come to understand when to use it and you clarify your purpose for yourself and others.

Consider that a friend of mine is an art dealer. He buys statues and paintings as investments from artists, brokers and even the Internet. He learns art history and the value of art from a variety of sources. Following market trends teaches him that its important to understand when is a good time to buy an object, to sell an object and when is a good time to wait before taking action.

Consider your partner may have had a long day at work. You may have serious issueso n your mind which you desire to discuss.  Experience can teach you that bringing up such issues right when a tired, hungry person arrives home is not going to yield focus or even good results.   Yet, if you wait until after a good dinner, and your partner is morexed, then this person will be more focused and you'll likely have a more meaningfl discussion. Timing highly influences results.

Consider that in your youth, you may have learned your parents' payday or just after you had completed yardwork were better times to ask to borrow money than when all the household bills were due. You can gain a sense of a person's mood and this is a clue as to whether or not your request will be welcomed or not.  As you show the other person can benefit from your request, you may also be more likely to get good reception.

Consider that as a traveler, I've learned the value of taking advanatge of 'seat sales.' You don't always anticipate when these lower prices will be advertised, yet, if you keep watch on trends and make agency inquiries, you can end up with a lower priced tickets and discover your money can go further. This is another case where knowing where to look for information is useful, yet knowing when to look and when to take action can bring you even greater advantages.

Consider that many people have goals, hopes and agendas, and become impatient when events don't unfold as planned. These situations can also be percieved as opportunities to learn that what you consider to be appropriate timing for appointments, births, deaths, retirements and other milestones may not be what other people consider to be the best timing. Let go of control and appropriate timing will run its course. You don't always have to understand why things happen when, yet its humbling to grasp that all events you wish to influence aren't under your control.

Consider that earthly timing may differ from cosmic and other kinds of timing.  This implies you won't always sense a particular logic to events and experiences. Accept timing can be a mystery.

Consider that when you start out in any endeavour, you may not feel as confident or prepared or exhilarated as you desire. You may stumble and make mistakes, even experience a sense of failure on multiple occasions. Okay. Realize that perceived negative feelings and events also have timing which you influence based on your reactions. You learn about emotions based on experience and reactions. You will come to feel spontaneous, challenged, astronished or overwhelmed based on your own timing. You influence feelings on a conscious, unconscious and supraconscious level even if you aren't aware of all your feelings or why you experience them.

Take the bull by the horns

If the time comes and you decide to take new responsibility for your life, a good place to begin with self-assessment is to zero in on your guiding principles and values.  These unspoken signposts actually influence how you see yourself, where you sense you are and where you wish to go.  How clear you are about who you are and what you feel determines what you would like to achieve in life as well as the ingenuity and resourefulness you would draw on to make it happen.

Taking the bull by the horns means facing a situation head on without refusing to be honest with yourself.  If you're unsure about your guiding principles, its vital to your future to isolate them.  Consider what issues you believe in or what ideas you would support.  If you asked people who know you, how would they describe you? What kind of character traits and qualities define you?  Would you consider these outside opinions to reflect who you truly believe you are inside?

Take self-assessment further:

• Who are your role models? Why do you admire them? How does this shape your values? 
• Who would you offer as examples of people who are incompatible with your values? Why?
• What do you like and dislike about yourself? How do these views influence your values?
• Where would you indicate 5 strengths and weaknesses? How do values evolve from both?
• How would you like to change yourself? What do these desires tell you about your values?