How to stop overthinking

Overthinking occurs when you have a hard time turning off your mind. Worry and anxiety creep in. All those 'what ifs' capture your attention.  You anticipate how things could go wrong, and how you could respond to unforeseen situations. Overthinking reflects you judge and self-criticize what you have already done and you justify why.

As you read this, you may know what its like to have thoughts run wild and wonder what to do about it.  They compel you to re-examine actions you have already taken and those you wonder if you should. You may question whether you said the right thing, wonder how people interpreted your behaviour. You may keep going over and over decisions, questioning your own motives and what is best for you or others involved.

Consider your tendency to overthink based on how you reply to these questions:

In terms of dating: Why did I wear that outfit? Why was my make-up smudged? Why didn't he look my way? What must she think of me? What must his/ her friends think? Where can we go that would be impressive? How do I know if I said the wrong thing?

In terms of relationships: What will my spouse say when s/he finds out what I have done? What could my friends/ in-laws think of my choice? How can I be sure they will understand my point of view? Why are they not phoning/ including me?

In terms of body-image: Why does the mirror make me look so fat/ skinny? Where does all the acne come from?  Who actually calls these marks beauty spots? How can wrinkles be taken as laugh lines? Why do I keep gaining weight when I exercise/ eat right/ am always on a diet? Whay am I never satisfied about how I look?

In terms of depression:  How isolated did I feel? What could explain this prolonged loneliness? Why did s/he leave me?Why am I unmotivated? Why am I having trouble concentrating? Why do I feel restless and sluggish? How long does this post-natal depression thing last? Can how I feel be labelled depression?

In terms of work: Why aren't I capable of coping with my job/ schedule and family responsibilities? Why am I not living up to expectations? When will I pull myself together? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I get over it? When should I go back to work? Why are they asking me to rethink my role as a stay-at home parent?

As you realize you are overthinking, notice the messages about self-worth, self-love and acceptance that speak to you. Notice whether you are allowing fear and ego to control you.  Notice your word choices and how they may disempower you. You actually have choices about which words to use and which thoughts to think.

As an exercise to see what overthinking is inviting you to see about yourself, write 5 phrases relevant to your situation. What do you over-analyze? Write down the feelings that stand out about each phrase (i.e. fear, self-doubt, etc.) Notice if they feel positive or negative. Now, rather than assume something negative happened or will, assume positive things. Know how you think is shaped by your feelings and whether you focus on the future. Fear only exists there. It cannot exist in the present moment.

As you recognize you tend to over analyze people and situations, this is inviting you to step back and learn about yourself. To notice overthinking acknowledges discomfort about something inside. As you look deeper to discover why, you can tailor your strategies to curtail or stop it.  Why do you do the things you do? Maybe some of these resonate with you? If not, reflect on other possible reasons. Jot those down and reflect.

a) Indecisiveness/ low self-confidence (unsure what you want)
b) Strong sense of entitlement (ego success-driven)
c) Never satisfied/ perfectionistic
d) Seek approval & acceptance / fear disapproval & rejection 
e) Diagnosed with psychological/ psychiatric illness

What if every reason you could possibly give to explain why you over-analyze brings you back to a plea for love? What if everything invites you to be more aware of how you can love Self and others unconditionally?  One perspective is every experience invites you to love yourself more and see yourself as you really are. To overthink suggests you choose to focus on fear rather than love, and you can shift attention anytime.

"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It`s a death trap." -Anthony Hopkins

Comments

[Liara Covert]

Dylan, thank you for this comment. Rest assured, you always have choices. Consider these are sample suggestions;
1) visit a minister or pastor
2) consult a school guidance counsellor
3) talk with a trusted teacher or another adult
4) hire a life coach, psycholgist or psychiatrist
5) write a journal and read your entries to gain new insight
6) participate in on-line forms
7) call a kid's help line (colleges & phone books list them)
8) read encouraging personal stories in libraries
9) write your own story with intention to share lessons
10) compose a song, a poem or draw based on feelings
11) re-read the comments on this blog

[Dylan]

1. I am not religious.
2. I've already talked to the school guidance counselor.
3. I have no teachers that I feel I can talk to.
4. Already going to a psychologist.
5. I will try this.
6. Currently participating.
7... I'm sorry, just in my current state I don't feel as if any of these can help. The problem is getting the initial boost of positive thinking. I'm so down that I don't feel as if I can. Thank you though. Everything is appreciated.

[Liara Covert]

Dyan, another thought is to identify those things in your life that cause you to feel good. This may include things like music, funny books, movies, interacting with certain people, or imagining what it would be like to do things you dream or have yet to do. Whatever evokes positive feelings inside is key to learning how to recreate this feeling. Become aware of what positive energy feels like. Only then are you in a conscious position to recreate it. This is a process to discipline your mind. As you learn your choice of focus begins and ends inside, you are teaching yourself to raise awarenss of how you think. You also have the power and ability to change your thoughts.

[Roma]

Hello, my name is Roma and I am an overthinker. This has been ruining my life for the past 29 years and I do not know how to stop it. I obsess about what people say to me, how they said it, why they said, etc. In reading your commentary, it perfectly described me and my thoughts. At the moment, I am overthinking a relationship that I am having with my best friend. We have known each other since were were children and he has always expressed love for me. I shunned him because I only viewed him as a friend and had no sexual attraction to him. As I got older, it changed a little bit but not enough for me to be with him. Now that more time has passed (and I have experienced 3 awful relationships all of which I was cheated on) I realize that he was always the one I should have been with. I'd always felt that we would end up together, but because I did not feel physically attracted to him at the time, it would make me queasy just to think of him touching me. But now, all I think of is him. He is in another relationship, but we communicate and spend time together and he says his feelings are still there. I know that it is wrong for me to be with him while he has someone else and so I have decided to break it off. But now, I am overthinking all the things of past and the all the things of the present. I think I deserve for him to not be available to me because for so long he was there and I neglected him and chased him away. I want the chance to love him romantically and he says he wants that too. But in my guilt, I am no longer looking at things clearly and I know that is why I gave in a became intimate with him. Liara, I feel so unworthy, so dirty and filthy. My mind convicts me of not just this situation, but even the breakups I have had in the past. I wonder if I did something to deserve to be cheated on. Whenever the relationships ended, the men would always tell me that I am insecure and one even told me that I am too intense. I am left feeling rejected, hurt and unwanted. I wonder if this is why I thought it was okay to be with my best friend while he is involved with another. I don't know what to think because I am overthinking as I write. I hope I don't sound too confused but if I do, it is because I feel this way. He has asked me to wait on him while he ends this relationship, and initially, I wanted to wait. But after 4 months, it feels as if I have been waiting too long and I don't know if I should give up. I am between two minds and I truly don't know what to do about this anymore. By the way, he has been in love with me for the past 16 years...do you think it is possible that this love would still be there? He says it is, but because of my lack of trust in anything men say, I don't really believe him. Please share your thoughts on this with me. Thank you so much.

[Liara Covert]

Roma, read other comments to this post to prompt self-reflection. Sensing you behave in ways that do not serve you is the first step to changing. Consistent change requires understanding why you behave as you do and also learning the power of mental discipline. Meditation is a helpful exercise. Learning how to control your thoughts teaches you its possible to shift mindset and attitude. When you do not change consistently, part of you does not desire such a change. As you gain insight into the nature of yoru resistance, you find ways to overcome it. To be willing to explore options stretches your mind.

[aLeksandar]

hi everyone, i have been dealing with this issue for some time now... i don't what caused this but i never felt it before. i feel like i am depressed and enjoy sleeping like i found myself while i am sleeping. when i wake up it starts all over again. i start thinking of things that are not even realistic like : am i living this or how can i control my brain , who am i inside my body, how does time passes and how come we loose 95% of that short term memory and stuff like that. if there is any cure for this disorder pls respond =) i know its some kind of depression but i rly don't know what caused it, no serious reasons for it, always had good grades, nice family , friends.... i wonder if it will ever go away .. :S

[Tom]

I can't tell when it started or how but I've been overthinking things for at least 2 years now and it's led me threw some tough times. I did not realize I had the problem until someone told me "hey you overthink think things" and it all made sense I looked it up and found this page and hopefully you'll help me! First off I guess I over think overything a person tells me and try to think what they're thinking about me but there have been other weird ticks and traits as time goes on and it all gets worse and worse for example when I lock my lock for my locker I worry "did I lock it?" and go back and forth checking it again and again. It's only gotten worse now I check the lockers contents over and over too and I tell myself to stop but in my efforts I've made it worse for example I said to myself well why check it twice there are 2 bars on a lock so go 1...2 and walk away it worked for the first day but then I started going 1...2 1...2 in my head over and over and over again for other things too and all this is just my stupid locker I also change my password on bank accounts every 72 hours and am paranoid and constantly thinking and thinking only bad scared ideas of what happens next all my mind can think is happens next and it's always bad. It started when I got a group of friends who would always talk bad about me behind my back it drove me crazy until I left them and now that I know the source I don't now what to do but I'm also paranoid that someone I know is reading this and will show it too everyone and....see overthinking again I'd love for you to respond with some insight. Thank you.

[Astrazeneca]

I have been an overthinker my entire life. Its getting so bad that I have pretty much destroyed my relationship. I am not getting what I need emotionally from my boyfriend. This isn't the first relationship this has happened in either. The last two were the same. They all say the same thing. "I don't know what youre talking about, what more do you want from me, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill." You know that first 6 months of a relationship where you're both happy and you "feel" in love? Well I am addicted to that. I want to feel loved after that period too. I obsess about how I'm not good enough and wonder what is wrong with me. Most times I try to talk to him to tell him what I feel and his responses just make me feel so unimportant to him as if he doesn't care. As long as he is happy that is all that matters to him. We don't talk much. He just wants to relax and watch tv. Everything that we do together seems automated. He is physically there but his mind and soul are somewhere else. It's getting so bad that I have convinced myself that we should break up. But for some reason I cant bring myself to do it because I think that if I just fix my overthinking then maybe I'll be ok without feeling apreciated or having any support and encouragement from him. Part of me knows that being alone would be good because then I will have to learn how to be totally independent and not expect others to make me happy, motivate me, make me feel validated. What I am fearing right now is the hitting rock bottom when we do break up and not being sure if I have the strength to get back up. Still I wonder if breaking up is the right choice. I have various good resons why I should, but the overthinking is controlling the whole situation. I identified my main fear: Where do I go from here if we do break up? Now, I can even give answers to that question but it then creates more: What is stopping me. Where do I find the courage to leave? Is leaving the right answer? If I leave am I going to regret it and spend many years overthinking what I should have done to make the relationship better on my end?
Something good to know about me. I have ALWAYS been in a relationship. I am not myself without someone else. I hate myself in so many ways and being in a relationship makes me feel better about myself....Or is it someone else to blame for the ways I make myself feel? This is the reason why I think I should be alone. I need to get to know myself. I hear its quite liberating. Do you have any advice that'll give me a kick in the arse to get going with this? Or let me know if I'm on the right track. I'm so confused. Please help!

[Liara Covert]

Aleksandar, hearing internal, loving voices is completely normal. When you hear voices that seek to inflict harm or make you feel bad, this kind of echo is not healthy. You come to know the difference.

One has options to respond to inner voice. Sometimes voices draw attention to things you are avoiding and would benefit from facing. Sometimes it is hard to believe what you hear. On-line forms, one-to-one counselling, meditation, and exploring your local library or bookstore are options that could assist you on this journey. Rest assured, it requires courage to express yourself candidly as you do. You are always welcome here. The book available on this site is an option that can assist you to get-to-know yourself and face fear.

[Liara Covert]

Tom, refer to my reply to Aleksandar and previous replies in this thread. You may also choose to explore the Steve Pavlina blog. A link can be found on the left hand column of the blogroll on this site. Rest assured that you can discipline the mind. As you develop awareness, this shifts your perspective. You begin to realize nothing is as bad as it seems. In fact, you can learn to find joy where you are.

[Liara Covert]

Astrazeneca, all is never lost. Things are never as bad as they seem. Your role as a human being is not to become dissatisfied with your personality and behaviour. Your job is to be alert and grow to understand why you are as you are. Spiritual growth is about choosing to learn from what is not working in your life and choosing to change the self from inside rather than continue the same trials, tribulations and discomfort. Awareness of what you are thinking is a huge milestone. Many people are unaware of what they do. As you grow aware, you are empowered to change.

[Cool kid]

Hello,
thank you for the insight on the comments on this forum, it's made me feel better already. I have a problem with overthinking and I've had it for as long as I can remember. Even simple decisions, such as what iPhone case to buy can be a mission. Recently, my girlfriend of 11 months broke up with me because she wanted to meet new people. This doesn't register in my mind, and I persist on calling her and trying to understand why she did what she did. I can't help to think that I could have done something extra to keep her around but all I want to do is get over her. I've stayed awake for what seems endless nights trying to fall asleep, but all I can think about is why would she do this? Any help would be great, and I've gained alot of insight by reading the comments before. Thank you for your time!

[Liara Covert]

Cool Kid, sometimes you are not meant to understand why another person makes certain decisions. One thing that can help is to train yourself to recall pieces of your night-time dreams and learning to examine them. As you steep back to better understand underlying reasons for fear,you are detaching, and realizing you can change. This site offers dream analyses of the week and tips for recalling dreams. You may email one of your dreams for review.

[Marc Barten]

Over-thinking is in a way just part of a regular depression, because honestly can anyone truly say they enjoy a constant active mind? The sense of "suffering from something" and doubting even your consciences' health is nothing more then one of the ingredients for a steady depression.

Perhaps that's why people must learn from their past experience more then they do, how often has it occurred that you've felt bad for a day or 2, and felt quite good even afterwards? People tend to forget or perhaps, not truly accept, that it has happened hundreds and countless times already in anyone's life.

Untill you learn to use that experience, and the knowledge that there's always brighter days ahead, there's nothing to look forward to.. "look forward to looking forward", is what I force onto my mind on those days, knowing there's days of happiness ahead of you, days of looking forward to the rest of your life! Things never do last, good nor bad, even though it can feel you've been going around in cirkles for quite some time now, there's no true stagnation in the short lives we live.

In a way, development and evolution have forced this shared problem on us, over-thinking might just be one of the essences of sentient life.

[Liara Covert]

Marc, as you suggest, nothing lasts. Change is inevitable to the mind. How each person responds is personal. Every person who engages in overthinking does not necessarily experience depression. The impulse to label or judge oneself can be the beginning of a slippery slope in a variety of directions. The essence of existence is subjective. A person can also move from being aware he is judging himself to sense there is right and wrong, good or bad, or any duality. One can also sense life as eternal.

[Sazia]

hey,

i have always been the overthinking who analyses stupid stuff alll the time...like how is my bf talking to me..what does his smile mean. what do my friends think of me. if i dont go out with them once and say no, they wont call me again to any of the g2g...but it got worse lately..right after graduating i got an awesome job where i got good pay, recognition, promotion and all for a year and a half..lately things have changed a little and now i am paranoid all the time...if there is a sales call of three people, whose name was called out first, why was it so? what does it mean about my boss's opinion about me? how does it impact my position in the company..

i used to feel i am the favorite employee..lately things have started shiting and i am feelin a little neglected which is making my overthinking habit climb heights...i am overthinking at the speed of light and it causes so much pain and hurt and unhappiness its unbelivable...

i do the same thing with my bf and friends....

what do you recommend i should do?

[JMSWE]

Hi.


I just feel the need to write a comment to show my appreciation to your work on overthinking.

I overthink almost everything:
What I'm going to say in class and different scenarios in my socialgroup
How I'm going plan my day, wery detailed.

So far it has worked well for me, I'm what you would call "popular" (I would say recognised) among my friends.
I think people see me as smart wich i belive is based on the fact that i rarely do things wrong according to other, and if I do I'll never do it again.
I have wery good grades based on how little work I have put in, mostly becouse teachers like me.

But now I have started to envy people who dosn't think as much. How wonderful it must be to just live in the moment and not worry so much about how other peoples' reactions and mostly thoughts about myself.

I have always liked to be alone. And recently i think i figured out why, it's the when I am alone i can be relaxed in myself. Which was very hard to accept. No one wants to admit a fault in one self's personality.

This is the first time I've found some kind of resemblance to my "problem"

Thank you very much, and sorry for the bad english ^^.

/JM

[Teri]

Hello, I am Teri. Constantly I am bombarded with thoughts. At work it affects me so negatively I can't even stand working anymore. It is as if I am so distracted by negative thoughts that I do not see what's going on right in front of my face. I know before i was also dealing with this issue, but I was not aware of how severe it really was. In the past I've overcome this and did not really think too much about anything, I just tried to tell myself go with the flow,and it worked. I think back to that time and wonder why I can't do that again? I've heard to tell myself positive affirmations, but although I do try to, it is uneffective. I just really need help and I do not want to live my life like this. It makes me feel extremely and unbearably self conscious and even somewhat depressed. I just really need to get this off my chest. I find that even at school I overanalyze assignments, although it can sometimes be a good thing because it just means that I spend alot more time and think of many different ideas. But in my ordinary life, I just cannot take it anymore. I can't stop thinking negatively and frequently think that other people think bad about me and tell other people. It is starting to brainwash my mind into believing it myself, even though it is only one person's opinion. I dont even know why I care about what other people think, especially when I don't even talk to them! I just can't take it anymore and I just really need some help. I have thought of therapy I would like to take that, although it would be pricey. I just want to live my life freely and not overthink things because it is not a way to live my life. Trust me, I know.

[Fred]

Hi, I have a new girlfriend for about a month. She initiated things by commenting to our friend, she thought I was attractive. Now we have been getting together regularly and she told our friend she likes me and spending time together. She referred to me as her boyfriend and we have been having fun and also like showing each other affection. The thing is.....I do have a tendency to overthink things and get self conscious internally and occasinally it comes out verbally when I apologize/say thank you. This friday we were chatting at her work and I said I will walk you out and say a quick goodbye when we leave as some of us where going out after work but she couldnt make it. A few minutes later she said she was going to the washroom and then she never came back,. She did mention she had a really busy day/weekend coming up and might have to go out of town with her roommate friend.

I resisted the urge to call her today but as I mentioned tend to overthink things, and get self conscious,

My friend says I have no need to doubt myself or the relationship, as I need to think of my gf actions and time she spends.

I overthink other things in my life as well.

How do stop overthinking my friendships and being self conscious and that other are judging me. I need to find a way to take a moment and breathe and step back when I find this occuring or to exercise or write in my free time. Maybe think of postive things or places.

I find it happens when I have free time on the weekends or mornings or evenings.

[Esther]

Hello,
I've haven't been over-thinking as much as I used to, which is good, and in general, I've improved. A lot. And I've also learned a lot. I'm writing this as I'm in an okay mood and therefore, I guess I can think realistic thoughts. The problem is, when I start out in an okay mood, sometimes it starts to just go down, by just the simplest thought, and then my stress, anxiety, and thoughts just sort of start to build on each other. The thoughts just start to get bigger and bigger, and that's when I start to swallow and get in to a vicious cycle of swallowing by "trying not to think about it" and then I start to remember how I used to have that habit but it went away, because I was stressed and overthinking. I also start thinking about how crappy my childhood was because I ruined it by becoming stressed and overthinking too much, and how I was really anti-social, etc. Then I notice how I'm getting stuck in the past then beat myself up for it, and then the bad side of lots of things just sort of gets sucked in, and I feel confusion which makes it even worse, and so on. It doesn't necessarily have to start with me swallowing, though. Any bad side of a tiny thought can cause all of this. And when I'm feeling bad, I can't believe in myself, I think I can't control anything my feelings, etc. And every time I go down in to this dump, it's always because of some strange, wired, stupid reason(s), and I try to convince myself of that and how eventually I'll just start stressing about something else, completely different, and sometimes, it works. When it does work, I just let go of everything and am able to relax, and I'm fine. but sooner or later my restlessness kicks in. thus, the vicious cycle starts again, each thought building on itself, and everything just becoming a big mess. However, likewise, when I'm feeling ok, sometimes a tiny good thought enters my mind, and things just build from there. Sometimes it all seems just based on luck...which sucks. Do I just have to see the good side of everything or what? is that just it? can you give me some meditation exercises that can help me? or anything that can help me just...become more restful, patient and relaxed?