How to stop overthinking
Monday, February 26, 2007 at 7:46PM Overthinking occurs when you have a hard time turning off your mind. Worry and anxiety creep in. All those 'what ifs' capture your attention. You anticipate how things could go wrong, and how you could respond to unforeseen situations. Overthinking reflects you judge and self-criticize what you have already done and you justify why.
As you read this, you may know what its like to have thoughts run wild and wonder what to do about it. They compel you to re-examine actions you have already taken and those you wonder if you should. You may question whether you said the right thing, wonder how people interpreted your behaviour. You may keep going over and over decisions, questioning your own motives and what is best for you or others involved.
Consider your tendency to overthink based on how you reply to these questions:
In terms of dating: Why did I wear that outfit? Why was my make-up smudged? Why didn't he look my way? What must she think of me? What must his/ her friends think? Where can we go that would be impressive? How do I know if I said the wrong thing?
In terms of relationships: What will my spouse say when s/he finds out what I have done? What could my friends/ in-laws think of my choice? How can I be sure they will understand my point of view? Why are they not phoning/ including me?
In terms of body-image: Why does the mirror make me look so fat/ skinny? Where does all the acne come from? Who actually calls these marks beauty spots? How can wrinkles be taken as laugh lines? Why do I keep gaining weight when I exercise/ eat right/ am always on a diet? Whay am I never satisfied about how I look?
In terms of depression: How isolated did I feel? What could explain this prolonged loneliness? Why did s/he leave me?Why am I unmotivated? Why am I having trouble concentrating? Why do I feel restless and sluggish? How long does this post-natal depression thing last? Can how I feel be labelled depression?
In terms of work: Why aren't I capable of coping with my job/ schedule and family responsibilities? Why am I not living up to expectations? When will I pull myself together? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I get over it? When should I go back to work? Why are they asking me to rethink my role as a stay-at home parent?
As you realize you are overthinking, notice the messages about self-worth, self-love and acceptance that speak to you. Notice whether you are allowing fear and ego to control you. Notice your word choices and how they may disempower you. You actually have choices about which words to use and which thoughts to think.
As an exercise to see what overthinking is inviting you to see about yourself, write 5 phrases relevant to your situation. What do you over-analyze? Write down the feelings that stand out about each phrase (i.e. fear, self-doubt, etc.) Notice if they feel positive or negative. Now, rather than assume something negative happened or will, assume positive things. Know how you think is shaped by your feelings and whether you focus on the future. Fear only exists there. It cannot exist in the present moment.
As you recognize you tend to over analyze people and situations, this is inviting you to step back and learn about yourself. To notice overthinking acknowledges discomfort about something inside. As you look deeper to discover why, you can tailor your strategies to curtail or stop it. Why do you do the things you do? Maybe some of these resonate with you? If not, reflect on other possible reasons. Jot those down and reflect.
a) Indecisiveness/ low self-confidence (unsure what you want)
b) Strong sense of entitlement (ego success-driven)
c) Never satisfied/ perfectionistic
d) Seek approval & acceptance / fear disapproval & rejection
e) Diagnosed with psychological/ psychiatric illness
What if every reason you could possibly give to explain why you over-analyze brings you back to a plea for love? What if everything invites you to be more aware of how you can love Self and others unconditionally? One perspective is every experience invites you to love yourself more and see yourself as you really are. To overthink suggests you choose to focus on fear rather than love, and you can shift attention anytime.
"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It`s a death trap." -Anthony Hopkins
Reader Comments (79)
When it comes to dealing with romantic break-ups, mental discipline is only part of how you move on. You choose how you feel and you can train your mind to do anything. Before you approach re-training your mind, it makes sense to ask yourself why you believe the relationship mattered and your feelings are telling you. When your girlfriend broke it off, this evoked certain feelings inside you. These feelings that will crop up again in other situations. List them out. Examine them. Learn about them. Work to understand them.
By the way, I have a book coming out in by the 2008 festive season which may interest you. Further details will be posted soon on this website.
You've offered a lot of great advice so I thank you for that.
I too am an overthinker/worrier. I start with one thing and it balloons from there. It really gets bad whenever I get into relationships, which is where I'm at now. I've been dating this girl for almost 4 mos. and I love her and care about her a lot. We have a lot of fun together and I cheerish the time we spend. My problem comes in several forms though. We'll be hanging out, having fun and then suddenly I'll become aware that I'm not really thinking about anything, which I know sounds weird, so then I become concerned that because I'm not thinking anything, despite the fact that I know I'm happy, I feel like I must not really like her. I realize that sounds confusing but the other stuff will make more sense.
I have so much anxiety about it almost all the time. I know I love her and that I love spending time with her but I always get caught in this vicious cycle of questioning it. Then it breaks down to specific things like: "Do I really even think she's pretty?" and then I worry that I don't even though I do.
I feel like I'm fighting myself and it becomes very much overwhelming at times to the point of being depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if it keeps up I'm going to damage the relationship and I don't want to do that.
I think you're right though. I think its a lot of self image stuff. I just don't know what to do to be more ok with myself. I mean I think that I am, at least more so than I used to be, but I guess I've still got some issues to work through. It's made harder I think because she accepts me so easily and readily it seems even though I still can't see what she sees.
Any help you could provide would be amazing. Thank you!
After becoming a brother my sophomore year I have been going out to parties all the time without realizing the consequences of my action. Living in a fraternity house put me in a one dimensional mode of thinking yet I always over thought about what my parents would think of me if they knew what I was doing. Smoking weed, drinking, thinking about which girl I wanted, I was in this mentality state for that year which led to me not doing well at all in school. For my major, I need to obtain atleast a 3.2 GPA and my GPA is not even a 3.0. During this period, the school judicial system found out that I was part of this illegalized fraternity through a Facebook group and gave me community service hours and put me on a one year probation for being in a illegalized fraternity. I did not think much of this, since I was still in that period of living up to a typical "Frat brother." After sophomore year it took a lot of yelling from my parents especially from my brother to focus in school or else my parents will disown me. Thus I moved away from the frat life and try to spend less time partying and being with the brothers and closer to the campus. Currently I am a junior in college but I am a year behind with my intended major because of sophomore year. Anyways I have been concentrating in school most of the time yet I always get that social anxiety and over thinking that if I don't go out this weekend, no one will accept me. Thus I still try to make an appearance through going to meetings and going out to parties once a week. Recently, the pledges this semester went through trouble with the law during a "scavenger hunt." I heard about this through a brother but I did not care at all, this was the least of my worries. A week after my parents got something in the mail stating that I have a meeting with the School Judiciary system. I had somewhat of an idea of what this was about (scavenger hunt) but thought nothing of it still. My first meeting was last week, and basically I have three charges against me: Breaking my probation, Being in a illegalized fraternity, and Hazing. They also state that they have witness statements against me stating that I am affiliated with the fraternity. They concluded that they were basically trying to suspend me from school and all credits I am taking this semester is exempt. I could not believe it. I told them that I was actively involved in the fraternity last year when I got in trouble but not anymore since I live closer to campus and trying to do good in school. They bought none of this and I have my second meeting coming up which will lead to a decisive court decision. I talked to a few brothers about this and the people that are in the same situation as me and had the meeting before me, already got suspended. I am freaking out and I can no longer sleep. I am in a constant state of anxiety and over thinking about the negative thoughts and possible negative outcome that would come out of this second meeting. If I am suspended, my parents would disown me and I would no longer go to college. That's exactly what I am thinking and constantly thinking even while I am studying for this exam thats on the same day as the meeting. I can't study, sleep, eat, or do anything right now. I feel like I want to curl up in my bed in the dark and just stay like that forever. All because I go out once a week and have lunch with the fraternity brothers considers me an active member of the fraternity that involves hazing and illegal activities. I cried last night for the first time since three years ago when I was pledging. I feel the same way. I don't know what to do. I am thinking of suicide just so I don't have to deal with this even though most likely I won't do anything. Just over think, think, think...which leads me to no answers except a paralyzed state. Why is this happening to me?
Life offers many ways to learn. Every moment, you decide what makes sense to you. You make choices and each one has consequences. As you decide to take repsonsibility for your thoughts and actions, you realize you can gain something positive from every experience. Even if you reflect in disbelief at some of your past choices, knowing what you do now, you can say you would behave differently next time. In order to train your mind to see the brighter side, it would help to write down or state aloud something positive about each incident that bothers you. When you ask youself why you did something, give yourself an answer. You view life differently already because you gained wisdom. You begin to work through fear. Moving beyond it is a process.
I recommend a book called, No Excuses! The True Story of a Congenital Amputee Who Became a Champion in Wrestling and in Life" by Kyle Maynard. Check your local library.
This is a very inspiring book that will help your perspective. Born without arms or legs below his elbows and knees, Kyle Maynard excels as a champion athlete, inspirational speaker, college student and male model. No Excuses is his inspirational autobiography that shows how a positive can-do attitude gives someone we might see as disadvantaged the advantage over life.
The law of attraction tells us that we manifest what we think about. That is, if you worry about what has not yet happened, you are in fact, inviting what you do not want. In that sense, do yourself a favor, focus on what you do desire. Train your mind what to think. Write it down. Talk to positive people. Create a vision board. Do what feels right to uplift your spirit. You figure it out by exploring options and being honest about how you feel.
I am writing from Australia. I am 19 years old, and at the beginning of this year I started university. I decided that I would not move into dorms, but stay with my friend. This turned out to be a very unwise move. His place was a miniscule unit, which also housed his somewhat eccentric family. Looking back now, it seems absolutely crazy that I didn't move out immediately, but stick in repetitive negatve thought loops, I floated along there for 6 months. I then (unwisely again) moved into (and stayed in) a sharehouse with students all older than 25 (I am 18). Being alone for such extended periods of time, along with pot and cigarettes, caused overthinking to the point of not being able to clearly and objectively think of any situation, without a cascade of thoughts in unpredictable, and yet ultimately wholly predicatble ways. Life seemed overwhelming, and I didn't understand what made me think like this. I'd heard people say they occasionally think too much about silly things, but never to the point that I did.
About 2 hours ago I was in one of my negative thought loops, as is all too usual for a night spent alone (although thinking back, I realize that not every night is, I have many fun nights with my friends, and with my parents, and just chilling out alone), when I finally got sick of self-pity and typed 'I think too much' into google. Very surprisingly, this turned out to be a VERY wise decision, as links onto sites about overthinking such as this one allowed me for the first time to label what it is ("why do i always feel this way?") that was causing my depression. Reading the comments here too was also very comforting - not in the sad stories, but the knowledge that I am not alone in this peculiar phenomenon, and that other people, like me, have identified the problem and are taking back their lives from it.
cheers,
danny
Hello, I also overthink too much(I always delete everything I type if I don't like it. I will try to not delete anything). Not sure if you even read this post anymore. Probably wont even check it. Regardless, you said some people write it out and that helps them. Maybe this will help me. Its funny how with all the overthinking, overanalyzing, self-criticism I do, I cant manage to THINK of the words to explain this. The problem is I'm only 17. I have little to no social life. I have no close friends and have only had one somewhat close friend in the past, who has now changed so much, or maybe its me. We rarely talk anymore. I cannot focus in school, its very hard for me to concentrate on anything, It wasnt always like this. Before i had friends... none very close, but friends none the least. Now, I just have peers. Sometimes I hang-out with them, sometimes i even have fun. but the majority of my time is spent playing World of Warcraft which i enjoy and am somewhat addicted. Its getting so bad--the overthinking, overanalyzing, i dont enjoy games much anymore. when im with friends... peers, we sit there and talk joke around etc. im so busy, caught up in my head, to respond quick enough to make a interesting conversation, im to busy thinking of something witty and funny that i dont say anything at all. I'm very lonely. now i just realized i went off the topic of overthinking but that may be the cause of it? maybe its all of the unfortunate happenings and the overthinking put together thats brought me to this. In my case, it may very well be the previous occurances leading up to overthinking. I really think its just that im so.. so lonely. I've enever had a close girlfriend, a person to.. This is making me cry. i don't think writing helps but maybe its good to get it out. a person to confide it, even if were not talking, just someone to be in the presence of. i spend so much time sitting on this computer. alone. This has been the most extreme its ever been, its what brought me to your blog. I dont know, i just dont know. i can barely write anymore... if writing does one thing... it. i. it gets me thinking more, not necessarily bad thinking but thinking, always thinking. Not always. Things I do just delay others... Pot however makes me VERY VERY quiet, im an outgoing person but also a very self criticizing person... they dont mix very well, because I don't care what people think but I do. They say be myself but i dont know how. I'm sorry. I don't mean to rattle on. I have lots to say but don't know how to word it properly. It helps a lot when I dont delete everything, Regardless of what caused this, brougth me to this point. Do you know any way to help or.. anything to help it. anything to lessen the thinking, at least enought to a reasonable level that i can work with and maybe carry on a conversation. Im going on anti depressants soon, hopefully that will help. writing this out helped a bit. I think. if not its a different type of thinking. which is... better?
Only time will determine whether this has helped or not, and that's the one thing I have an excess amount of. I was about to delete that last sentence, but I caught myself and now I'm typing this out explaining. I think the best way to describe this, is to just type out what your thinking.
Strangely, I want to keep typing, but I want feedback even more. So I will end it. Probably should have spaced this out so it's easier to read. I could still. Not done yet. This may seem more extreme than it really is because this is the climax of my over thinking... so far. yeah. I'm going to post this on a few forums, hopefully get some sort of help. Thank you, I guess. This may have made me think even more, in that case, I do not thank you, but I do not blame you. This is ridiculous.