Fear of Failure: Women & Depression

Severe depression is the most widespread psychological disorder in the Western world. This disabling condition arises for different reasons and affects diverse communities. As a group, women experience more stressors than men because women often shoulder the burdens of family and friends as as well as their own. Short-term frustration or sadness is normal. If distress lasts for weeks or more, its wise to consult health professionals that align with your socio-cultural and other beliefs.

The profiles below were chosen from surveys to 300 women about their experiences with esteem, self-image, and fear.  We welcome our readers to share comments about their own lives.  What do you learn about yourself?

Jean, a lawyer who knew public t.v. success, lived through both depression and anorexia. She succumbed to pressure from herself, her peers, producers and her audience. “I ignored my need for emotional support. The show consumed me.” For a time, ratings soared. Clients poured into her office, boosting her esteem. She pushed herself hard. “I desired approval and grew insecure. My expectations rose too high.” She couldn’t keep everyone happy. Her life fell apart. Her work-a-holism and competitiveness led to divorce. She felt guilty about neglecting her son and family. When her show was cut, her esteem plummeted. “I was miserable. I felt like a failure. I lost my appetite, but I didn’t notice until I was very thin. I considered suicide.” Public success was short-lived. She would cry inexplicably. “I wondered why I pushed ahead? My inner voice encouraged me, said I could do better. But I was repeatedly disappointed.” It was hard to motivate herself, to refine her identity. “In searching for an acceptable self-image, I suffered depression then anorexia.  I almost died.” Once she admitted her mental illness, she sought help. Treatment and time away from the city enabled her to renew. Dating again builds her confidence.

Helen, a highly-educated, stay-at-home mom, admits struggling with a negative attitude and clinical depression. “I would like to be more positive, but my workaholic father and life experiences make that hard.” She moved to a foreign country to complete graduate school. She married and stayed abroad. Motherhood alone has been unsatisfying. “I attend playgroups with other moms. Some gave up careers like medicine to raise their kids. They devote time to school committees and volunteer causes. At times, I feel so tired and empty.” Helen has undergone psychotherapy, but she discontinued treatment. She felt it was emotionally too difficult. “I didn’t like what learned about myself. It was scary.” A miscarriage caused her to see her life differently. She feels more grateful for her toddler son and finds new meaning in life. 

Jasmine, a budding art therapist, gained weight as a result of taking medications for her mental illness. “My children are growing. I wish to do something career-wise.” She doesn’t wish to wallow in grief. “Losing my parents hurt me terribly. Watching children suffer in news is heartbreaking. It’s hard to concentrate. My energy increases over time.”

Ashley, a freelance journalist, has experienced low-esteem due to long-time of criticism about her abilities. Members of her family have also suffered depression. She is convinced its genetic. Her hidden fear of failure leads her to express a constant level of enthusiasm. “I’m mostly optimistic, but some people think I’m phony.” Insecurity relates less to how people perceive her to how she sees herself. “I was a chubby teen with crooked teeth. Fixing my teeth inspired me to smile more. Becoming more physically fit built my confidence.” She wishes to empower women who struggle with critical self-evaluation. Reproduction issues still get her down. “If success and happiness are measured by having children, I might feel a failure. In developing my career, I haven’t met suitable partners.” Ashley has seen her ambition intimidates men. “I’m productive and get things done. At work, I’ve found it’s acceptable to be told what to do. I’ve also learned it’s useful to question authority.” Ashley doesn’t fear success. Yet, her view of it changes, making it harder to achieve.

Claire, an advisor, has a family history of depression. Her esteem issues led her to seek therapy. “I try to focus on having good relationships, but they’re measured by signs of affluence. I fear I’m unable to measure up.” Claire has struggled with her self-image. She measures her success by how she masters skills and helps others. She rarely socializes and admits, “I find it hard to even feel motivated. I don't like myself much.” She defines her limitations based on external criticism. “I see how people around me judge women. They attribute failure to gender.” Claire doesn’t like being watched and evaluated. “I’m very self conscious. I worry that others will see me fail while I’m just trying to learn. She wonders how women over-achieve. Her expectations are contrary to her conscience. She fears both financial failure and success, and has known neither. “Failure would leave me unable to take care of myself. I worry success is just an illusion that doesn’t truly reflect my values. In my daily life, it’s very hard to find role models to emulate who reflect my values. Most have such extreme lives and sacrifices that I don't feel I can achieve them.”

Joanne, a spiritual housewife, moved to the U.S. from the Philippines. She tries to focus on married life while she feels restless. She has known a cultural identity crisis. “I pray each day and try to be a good wife.” Her sense of success is closely linked to her education and striving to think positively. Prayer enables her to deal with feelings of helplessness. “I perceive myself as an achiever with no room for failure. So, when difficult times come, I tend to sulk.” Her parents’ careers and marriage set her lofty goals. Joanne’s sense of failure clarifies itself in bad decisions she perceives around her. “I compare myself to my school alumni’s achievements.” Joanne fears both success and failure, but she tries to let go to leave the rest to God. “If bad things happen to my family, like sickness, difficulties, I feel worse.” She reads self-help books to improve herself. She also strives to interact with people who inspire her with their own survival, people “who lead a good and righteous life.” Her biggest disappointments go back to the failure of her plans. She admits she forgets that "Higher Forces guide oportunities for healing." 

Eboni, a farmer’s housewife, has experienced depression. She struggles to define her identity separate from motherhood. Her children are grown. She has become more involved in her community. Making friends and socializing helps. “I’ve found self-help meeting groups do a lot to help build my self-esteem. I read inspirational self-help books about women who beat the odds.”

Ella, a nurse and sports coach, dips in and out of depression. She turns to drinking to help deal with uncomfortable emotions and stress of work. She experienced low moods regarding her dad’s death. She was overtired and less interested in her typical activities. She recognizes that she fears uncertainty. Ending an unfulfilling, ten year relationship gave her new strength. “The last straw was when he bought a motorbike rather than an engagement ring.” New romance also builds her confidence. She juggles jobs to achieve financial freedom. “But I don’t like nursing now. It’s hard on my back.” Physical injuries contribute to her sense of failure. Physiotherapy and counseling are helping her rise out of her intermittent depression.

Terry, a former hospital employee, frequently feels overwhelmed by piles of tasks. She admits she is discouraged by her personal life and feels all she has ever done is make mistakes. She dwells on what went wrong, what will likely go wrong or what is wrong with herself as a person. Her energy is drained by shouldering close family responsibilities. Her strategy to beat depression has been to turn to prayer and also to devote part of her life to helping the less fortunate.

Leslie, an elementary school teacher, has become more depressed since a fire consumed her house and created sizable debt. “I no longer put in 100%, or I do too much, feel overwhelmed and incapable. In general, I don’t fear failure. I’ve succeeded and failed. Each failure strengthens me.” Her confidence wavers when she is preoccupied with external approval. “I also feel depressed when I exert effort and receive little response. That can crush me!” Her personal life has had its ups and downs. In the past, her esteem sank due to irreconcilable differences with family members. “My step-mom and I didn’t get along. Dealing with adversity has been trying. “My life is harder than its ever been.”  She's hopeful she'll make it through. 

Judy, an website entrepreneur, fell in depression as the result of the impact of Hurricane Katrina. That storm destroyed her home, most of her possessions and many business files. For a time, she drove out of state and lived in her car. Come what may, Judy defines personal success as, “doing the right thing.” To overcome lingering sadness, she aims to surround herself with survivors. “I minimize contact with ‘losers.’” One example of why this is hard relates to a close friend addicted to QVC. “She has ordered $40,000 worth of goods from the shopping network in the last year.” Feeling unwilling to leave friends with self-defeating behavior pulls Judy down, but she tries to focus on what she can control. “The stakes are not high in my life right now. I’m not trying to accomplish great things, nor is there anything I could really lose.” Overcoming setbacks and depression means learning not to be intimidated by new things. “I just figure out how to do them.” Her restlessness led her to alcohol. Drinking makes her happy and then sad. She tries to forget difficult life. To improve esteem, she says, “I aim to stop impulsive eating and drink less.”

Yamina is a Muslim housewife with low self-confidence. She associates success with positive thinking and support from her husband and family. She would like to start a small business, but she lacks faith in herself. She feels “pressure and expectations from her society.” Her father encourages her to overcome negative thinking. She is strongly affected by failures by close family members. “I fear failure because of how it may stop me from moving on and on whether or not I will be able to rise again from the fall.” She dwells on the death of loved ones. “I also regret not taking initiatives and not becoming what I could have.” She wishes to eliminate these anxieties.

Bella, a home care nurse, never married.  She developed breat cancer later in life and depression arose as a partial result.  She found that during her chemotherapy treatment, she came to judge herself more and began to wonder if her life was a failure because of things she had not  done before the cancer and was now unable to do due to the state of her health.

As you can read above, these profiles reveal some low self-esteem  is a common symptom women describe as a contributing factor to their depression. Each woman’s experience is her own. Low confidence is often linked to struggles with fear and control. If you experience depression or know someone who does, you may sense this condition evolves as women strive to achieve material success, as women seek external recognition and acceptance, or as the result of their experience with relationships. 

In essence, as a group, women who experience depression struggle with happiness and contentment. They fear failing to reach their goals, or failing to meet other people’s standards. A woman’s understanding of success may be linked to peer approval rather than to her own lessons. Conditioning rarely teaches a woman to define her success in terms of how she acts to make life better for herself as she sees fit rather than based on external influences. Women multi-task because its expected. They may over-nurture because they’re taught to be overly emotional.

If you assume control is key, be aware success and happiness are more about letting go of all your taught. Women can only control themselves, not time, how others react, not longevity or mortality. If your morale is consistently low, consider taking on-line depression tests.  Clinical depression is a condition determined by professional diagnosis. Intermittent low spirits are sometimes viewed as depression, adopted as a label or part of an identity.   As you raise your own awareness of why you think and feel as you do, you're also in a position to encourage yourself and others and also feel your way to remember love is the ultimate solution. 

"Sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands. The reasons for depression are not so interesting as the way one handles it, simply to stay alive." -May Sarton

Sudden flash of insight

During times of sorrow or low  moods, as you learn to listen to yourself, you may come to realize you often repeat a certain phrase. Have you ever uttered the words, "If only..."?  When you stop saying that sort of thing to yourself, you will be surprised what kinds of positive new experiences will unfold in your life.  If you dwell on the negative, you befriend the negative, and invite him into your life to stay.

So, your plans didn't work out as you envisaged. Big deal! Did you ever stop to think that your way is not the only way? A step back might enable you to re-evaluate the situation and realize that you made some errors in judgment.  Perhaps not getting what you wanted has unforeseen advantages.  When you express regret, you aren't permitting yourself to learn from valuable life experiences or to move on.  Why utter bitterness when its too late to retrieve or change anything?

From this moment forward, it makes more sense to focus on the future, not on what you didn't do in the past.  Create a vision and take risks to turn your attention from what is finished to what is just beginning to grow.  Consider what you would do if you found yourself in a similar situation again sometime in the future. Formulate your words accordingly: "Next time, I would..."(rather than do what I did before).  What not give hope a bit of immortality and steal it away from fear.

Exert your best efforts

Wesley Harris wrote an insightful book caled "Success is in Giving." He believes that only as we learn to give do we learn to live.  Ever wonder why some people pursue happiness and other people seem to find it everywhere? Take a closer look at their behavior, and you'll understand.

Bill Wylie is one example.  Harris describes this Australian as a man who "has enjoyed outstanding success in rescuing ailing companies and in some cases, turning multi-million dollar losses into multi-million dollar profits."  This corporate success story demonstrates the impact of exerting one's best efforts.  You see, during childhood, Bill Wylie spent time in a Salvation Army Boy's home.  He moved on to take initiatives to deliver telegrams and newspapers to make a living. He left school at age 13, worked days and studied nights to earn qualifications. Later, he lost his first wife and son to tragic circumstances.   

Although observers may comment that Bill Wylie led a difficult life, he would say, "the harder I work, the luckier I get." His attitude and altrisum helped him raise millions of dollars for charity, including for the Salvation Army that helped him many years before.  Luck has little to do with it.

Heed your own advice

I think to phrases like "practice what you preach" and "if you make your bed, you must lie in it."  These kinds of expressions are passed down through generations.  Why do you think that is?

I tend to think they're effective echos meant to teach us things about ourselves at the same time as we aim to guide others.  When you're asked for advice by a student or a friend, and you explain that you recognize room for improvement in their situation or behavior, you will also see room for improvement in yourself.  The question is, will you choose to recognize and learn from it? 

During my school days, I recall my mom telling me I had to wear socks in my shoes to class unless it was at least five degrees Celcius outdoors.  My desire to wear bare feet in my shoes on colder days led me to remove the socks many times once I had walked down the hill to my bus stop.  I though what she didn't know about my feet wouldn't hurt her.  On a few occasions when I did catch a cold as the result of no socks, I realized it would've been useful to heed her advice.  

I suppose what it comes down to is many people believe they shouldn't tell other people to do things unless they would be willing to do it themselves.  Yet, what we choose to tell people may also represent what we think we need to hear.  We may advise others based on what we would do in their circumstances, but since it isn't us, our advice may be misdirected or a projection. 

You may hear of an alcoholic father tell his son not to drink, when he goes right on drinking himself. You may learn of a single parent encouraging a child to study harder to become accepted to university when this is a dream the single parent had yet to realize.  You may advise a friend to elope when you never had the courage to make such a decision yourself.  You may encourage a brother to take a job abroad when but for your fears, you only dream of the experience yourself. You may advise friends not to get their children involved in too many activities when your toddler's agenda is busier than your own.  Whatever advice you offer to others may be what you most wish for yourself.  In principle, these choices you suggest may be great opportunities for the people you advise, but their choices are ultimately theirs.  Your life choices could benefit from your advice.

Above all, listen closely to yourself. You can always become more attuned to who you are and the steps you need to take to become the person you envisage. Yoru offers clues about what to do.        

8 Tips to Strengthen Life Relationships

1. Identify your thoughts & feelings honestly: explore if you communicate exactly what you feel.  In cases where you haven't been open with others, then you're also lying to yourself. It's unlikely people will be able to read your mind.  As you clarify things for them, you will also help yourself.

2. Confront your negative thoughts & feelings: determine the root causes of pain and related fears that may drag you down.  Consider a time when you may have sabotaged a relationship.  Imagine you remove weeds from your mind and a more positive relationship garden will grow.

3. Facilitate two-way communication: act to become a more effective listener and speaker.  Men only take in small amounts of information at a time. They feel comfortable when they take turns. Women are multi-taskers. They thrive on talking fast and cover more topics in depth.   Whatever your gender or personality, remind yourself that not everyone is well-equipped to think and talk about many things at once.  Listen to the words you choose. They reveal your personality type.

4. Empathize with others to sense how they feel: grow to appreciate things from different points of view.  Explain that you understand what a person has said by repeating it and putting it into context.  You also have the freedom to explain why their opinion may not apply and why.

5. Practice problem-solving: isolate problems, generate alternatives, and evaluate your results.  If you have issues with someone or forsee a potential issue, try dealing with it hypothetically. Imagine a scenario to yourself or aloud with the other person involved.  Discuss potential reactions and how you would react if you were in their shoes. Reverse roles. Share opinions.

6. Assert yourself: tell others what you desire, work toward it and be willing to compromise. You need to find the courage to discuss what your relationship goals are on various levels. The only way you will know if you are on the same wavelength about shared issues (i.e., children, bills, housing, groceries, chores, ect.,) is if you learn to present your views in non-threatening ways.

7. Accept change: reframe your traits as more than static strengths & weaknesses.  As your perception evolves, you will learn to see benefits to making different kinds of life decisions.  You will gain a sense of what choices make you feel good about yourself and which ones don't.  Recognize that your relationships are evolving at different rhythms too. Some people evolve together and other people evolve such that they grow apart. Learn to understand the reasons why your relationships evolve as they do. Do you take an active interest in other people?

8. Highlight the positive: build relationships by discerning different reasons for compatibility or incompatibility.  You may openly compliment other people, raise their spirits and also your own.  If you hope to build a deeper or more intimate realtionship with someone, highlighting their strengths and talents will encourage them to excel and help them to build confidence. As the saying goes, what goes around comes around.  

As you assess what it would require to refine and strengthen your relationships, as you take action to make them more real, you'll learn to reduce stress, and attract people and circumstances that enrich you. Write out how working through each of the above steps will help make that happen.