Gone too far?
Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 11:27AM If someone you know or love goes too far and tells you more than you desire to know or, asks you more than you desire to share, is this an invitation to redefine your boundaries? Which subjects have you identified as taboo? You may be the sort of person who tends to probe too far into other people's personal matters. Perhaps its time someone stepped up to the plate and told you when to quit.
Most people have subjects they see as shameful, humiliating and cause them to feel uncomfortable. Some may be more obvious, especially if they relate to low confidence about outward appearance or self-image. Take note of subjects that aren't mentioned even casually. How would you know if you've gone too far or whether you're at a point where you should put your foot in your mouth? Consider these sample subjects which also reveal reasons why it would be advisable to learn to be more tactful:
1) Earning capacity: financial matters can be sensitive areas for people who have been conditioned to measure self-worth based on the size of bank accounts and investment portfolios. Low-esteem may be revealed when a person never seems to feel satisfied with a paycheck. If a person is willing to get involved in risky dealings as a way to obtain more money, this may seem to enable him to feel better, but its only like putting a band-aid on an unhealed, psychological wound. Playing into this person's ego is a losing battle. Flattery about what materialistic people have, or what they’ve done, may never be satisfactory. This topic may be interpreted as a personal challenge or threat to perceived self-importance.
2) Family skeletons: that illegitimate or adopted relative, third or fourth marriage or divorce (i.e. "what happened to the last one?"), illegal or unethical situation, or the "black sheep," in the family, are probably not ideal subjects to bring up during a dinner party, gossip or even to discuss privately. People generally do not desire to share their 'dirty laundry.' Many more people prefer to "let sleeping dogs lie" or forget what they can. Keep clear of such unmentionable ghosts.
3) Education (or lack): hypersensitive people may feel guilty about not getting accepted into their school of choice or even being rejected from or failing out of specific programs. Do yourself a favor, avoid these potential sore spots. Don't dwell on another person's perceived academic failures. Feeling insecure about test-taking and denying results is what these people may do. The bad memories may symbolize hang ups and threats to social or professional mobility.
4) Jail-time: conversation about past jail time and possible reasons for incarceration, what treatment was endured in prison, portrayed in the news, questions about guilt or innocence, don't deserve to be mentioned. Remind yourself certain topics are best avoided so as not to offend.
5) Extramarital affairs: unfaithful people may crave intimacy and struggle to find it. They often lack self-control, ethics and good sense. Ironically, men and women tend to use sexual gratification as a getaway route from their problems. A selfish person won't care about feelings of others and that behavior is displayed in an unfaithful situation. Selfish behavior may stem back to as early as early adolescent days, when selfishness is typically developed and not reversed. It’s not up to you to straighten people out. Gossip about what they are or aren’t doing won’t help either.
6) Romantic history: Referring to past lovers, be they your own to a partner or those of other people, this really is inappropriate if initiated by you. Why not let bygones be bygones? Who a person is with now is where the focus lies.
7) Positions on controversies: religions, life, death, and politics may be tricky areas to talk about with people because of very strong beliefs that are linked with allegiances. Older or sick people may not wish to discuss health or mortality. Rather than probe for positions or debate what you judge as a better view, steer clear of matters where you already know people support or oppose topics strongly.
8) Highly-successful friends or siblings: the ‘success syndrome’ is a phenomenon where society conditions us to compete incessantly for attention and appreciation. You may think success means earning a lot of money, making the right connections, and achieving social power through advancing in business or one of the traditional professions. If your siblings or, siblings of friends move in different spheres, and envy or resentment abound, its better to change subjects.
9) Business ventures gone bad: If you know someone who has known business difficulties or failures, you may feel as though you’re walking on broken glass. People may see their business as an extension or projection of their person or self-worth. Failure may hurt on the level of losing a much-loved child or pet. If the person blames him or herself, it makes sense not to focus on it. If a person doesn't look you in the eye when you brink up bankruptcy or other, related issues, then its best you don't go shooting off phrases about the state of affairs “half-cocked.”
10) Unemployment: lack of income is often linked to dignity and pride. Unless you know a person well, or are offering a position, touching on this subject isn’t kind or appropriate. Its not usual practice to inquire about things like, “how long have you been now without a job?” or, “doesn’t that feel weird being a lay-about?” or, “how long can you still collect government assistance?”
If you're lucky enough to know people personally before you engage in conversations, you likely already have insight into subjects that cause them discomfort that you would strategically avoid. When people bring up subjects, feel free to folow their lead, but be mindful of the nature of your beliefs and how strong they may be. Learning more about yourself will make it less likely you'll confront people about painful or awkward situations. Self-control helps shape your etiquette.