Contemplation about a future

Romantic relationships have been known to break-up when one partner or both realize things are not working.  Many factors contribute to one person leaving another.  Communication may be shaky or even non-existent.  Common issues include unmet inner needs, unsatisfied dreams and a lack of cooperative effort to realize shared goals. The partner who desires to leave may suddenly see him- or herself differently.  Personal feelings shape expectations for the present and future. 

If you consider leaving your partner or know someone who does, conselling and talking with close friends can help shed light on key issues. Reflection and self-examination are also very beneficial. It's in your interest to review why you think you were attracted initially, what appeals about your relationship, what turns you off, what have you done about it, and what steps you have taken to truly understand the pros and cons of staying and leaving. For starters, why not consider these issues: 

1)  Stability. You may be drawn to challenges or avoid them like the plague. When predictability or unpredictability are the basis for a relationship, and your original circumstances change, it can be disorienting and alienating. Figure out if your comfort zone thrives on danger and threat of loss or, a perceived guarantee of security. Either way, permanence doesn't exist. If you're always moving and alert to change, excitement may be confused with passion. If you've known no hardship, conflict or turmoil, peace may stir passion. If you choose to dwell on what you've known, you haven't yet learned to face reality of change and how a sense of stability can evolve separately from economic, health, environmental or other changes. 

2) A neurotic partner.  You may be attracted to a partner who says what you're thinking and puts words to your feelings which saves you effort.  You may never have learned how to express yourself well. If you get angry with a partner, you may not realize you're really angry with yourself, about what you're doing or not doing. What you believe you can't accept in another person is always a mirror of what you refuse to accept in yourself.What could you learn about expressing how you feel?

3) Evolving happiness. It's rare for partners to break-up when all is well. However, when views of happiness and contentment diverge, this can cause trouble.  It's useful to review issues of compatibility that initially led you to attract your partner. Ask yourself what has changed and why? Only you can know whether external conditions affect your relationship, whether its a change inside your partner and/or yourself. Consider material desires, spiritual pursuits, issues of having children and other pieces of the puzzle.  Some of your partner's qualms may surprise you. If you open your eyes, you'll discover how well you really know that person (or don't) and also how well you know (or don't know) yourself. Would you be willing to make new compromises?

4) Criticism & deficits. If your partner frequently reminds you of your failures, and is highly- critical in destructive rather than constructive ways, this may become more than your ego can bear. Before you jump to conclusions though, it can be useful to examine your track record and reasons for being defensive.  Consider why your partner may become so judgemental and what this tells you about past role models in your lives. Do you desire to be like destructive role-models? Do you know what they are? or, has this behaviour happened inadvertently?

5) Past relationships. if your partner can't stop talking about an old flame and seems convinced  a comparable person doesn't exist, you may ask yourself about whether you value reciprocity. If your partner feels safer dwelling on the past, and fears the risk of failing with someone who is caring and available, you might begin to realize a one-sided relationship isn't what you want.  How your partner reacts (or doesn't react) to your advances offers clues about the future. What would your behavior and desire to stay with such a person teach you on how you value yourself?

6) Infidelity. Some people believe in unconditional forgiveness and other people are unable to accept infidelity from a partner on any level. You think you know where you stand on this matter until it happens to you or to someone you know. Emotions or self-questioning may seriously cloud the issue.  What's important is how you feel about your partner, whether you can live with what the person has done, and the impact your decision will have on any children involved. Whatever you decide, remind yourself that understanding why infidelity happens can also teach you about yourself, your needs, and your awareness of your partner's needs. Rethink how you value honesty and vulnerability.

7) Secret resentment of demands and roles. You may be reluctant to give more of yourself and your time than is absolutely necessary to your partner. You may struggle between your desire for dependence and for independence. You may more toward love and cooperation, and also value alone time, privacy, and detachment. Indecision about where you stand on self-sufficiency and partnership or your partner's inability to clarify this, may cause you to rethink your commitment.

8) Highest hopes and ideals.  Home is the place where love is first be practised and understood before it is practiced or shared anywhere else. If you're partner isn't meeting your expectations, ask yourself whether this person is aware of your hopes and ideals and whether they're realistic. After all, you'd benefit from understanding how your expectations emerged, why you chose your partner, and what satisfying or unsatisfying these expectations represents to both of you. Since people change, hopes and ideals can change too. Do you evovle with them or against them?

Rise above limitations

You may wonder why things just don't seem to go your way.  How can this help define success? You may underestimate the impact of your self-imposed limitations and how they reverberrate.  Each person tends to identify what he or she thinks is wrong with the world, and even judges people or the self. Whether or not this sounds familiar, you may forget or not realize how everything you think, say and do affects the nature of your life now and in the future. 

Each time you add another limitation; mention something you can't do, indicate a reason why your dream won't happen, agree with experts who say your health is doomed, sigh that failure is predictable, justify why ideas are impossible, you may stifle creativity and define your life path. Although a negative comment may appear insignificant on its own, when added to the others, they may become 'the straw that broke the camel’s back.'  Suddenly, activities you could always do become difficult or your view of suffering skyrockets to beyond imaginable.  How can we discover the sources of our hidden limitations and eliminate them?

1) Learn to recognize how you limit yourself.  If you choose to focus only on your strengths and deny your weaknesses, this may hinder more than help you. Learn instead about your own reasons for your sense of weakness.  How do your beliefs hold you back?  As you realize why you benefit from all your skills and qualities, this will assist you to rise above your self-imposed limitations.

2) Ask people for input. What you perceive as your 'trouble spots' may differ from what other people think. By asking for feedback, you may open your eyes to new personal qualities you didn't recognize. Consider people who have told you what they think you can or can't do.  Other people's views of your character may not always be accurate.  It's up to you to find the courage to inquire, to learn to discern the difference and come to accept your own view of the truth.

3) Evaluate possible action. Once you have an idea of the kinds of things that hold you back, the next thing is to devise what you'll do to swing things in your favor.  Defining a challenge enables you to pay more attention to detail. Whether its the state of your health and well-being and a desire to improve a quality of life, your view of behavior in relationships or the workplace and the aim to rethink interactions, or discontent in another area of your life, its to your advantage to review possible approaches that will help you move forward on your terms.

4) Commit yourself to take action. Regardless of your circumstances, you have the choice to alter your beliefs and take new kinds of action to refine and expand on your view of success. Deciding you wish to understand yourself better is paramount.  This isn't only a desire to isolate and clarify your goals, but also a desire to learn why you fear or hesitate to reach them. Why you hold yourself back and how may ultimately surprise you. Knowing is the first step to overcoming such obstacles. 

What happens after "hello?"

More than once in your life, you may have taken a chance to speak with a stranger. It may have been just outside a hotel.  You may have asked a shopkeeper for change.  You may have stood at a bus stop or at some other venue, and something inside compelled you to open your mouth and comment on the weather.  You may have offered to help an over-loaded person carry parcels.  Perhaps you kindly offered directions or inquired about the time. Maybe you simply had had a bad day and desired to get a few things off your chest. But then, what happens after "hello?"

Of course, there's also the chance you have thought about talking to strangers, but always held yourself back.  You may feel tongue-tied, be worried about what you would say, or how your words would be peceived by others. You may lack self-confidence to take such an initiative or, you may have always been told its just not the thing to do. I've met some people who learned it could be dangerous to speak with strangers and other people who simply think it really isn't polite.

My own experience has been varied. I've learned that taking the risk to talk to a stranger isn't wise in some circumstances.  I've also learned that taking a risk to talk to a stranger can open doors of opportunity which have truly enriched my life. I suppose that as you build confidence and learn to trust your intuition, you'll learn where and when taking a risk to speak to people works or doesn't work for you.

A positive example of where I took a risk was outside of a hotel in Sydney, Australia. I had a flexible schedule for part of that day, and I struck up a conversation with a Chinese family who was waiting for a change in pedestrian light beside me. I had a map and asked if I could assist them with directions. Two of the men were living in Brisbane, and one man was accompanied by his visiting parents from Beijing. Not only was I able to offer them directions, but I ended up walking with them into the city, showing them some venues I knew, and we discovered other venues together.

As the morning went on, I showed them Hyde Park, Phillip and Cook Parks as well as Botanic Gardens. We read and laughed about foreign vegetation, and chose to watch and cheer on the competitors of tail-end of the local triathalon. I was available to take photos of strangers and they even took some with me. The Chinese visitors shared a fruit picnic with me. We watched cockatoos, ducks and other native birds beg to share.  These people discovered places they may not have otherwise seen in part because I was took the time to be with them. I also learned from them as we walked along.  Much to my pleasant surprise, I found I had a lot in common with one of them and sense we'll be able to assist each other more in the future. They were surprised that a stranger like me would help and also seem so friendly. They now have a different idea of possibilities. 

About lunchtime, I left them to continue to discover the harbour and other local areas without me. Though, what a marvelous time I had had! All this happened after I chose to say "hello." I went on with the rest of my day, reminding myself that you never know who you might meet or where, and how you might be in a position to help. Risk-taking can be a blessing, if you choose to believe in yourself and all the positive experiences waiting for you around the corner.

Stop resisting things that work

Difficulties may appear to happen. We can each discover we have inner resources. Take the risk to survive your perceived adversity. Paths you define teach you how to live in more meaningful ways. It's not that you forget how to take risks. Some people just never choose to learn how. You may resist doing things you sense are truly necessary. Next time you tell yourself you're too busy to do what you you'd rather, stop and think what you're really saying. Learn to read between the lines. You may have forgotten what it means to be honest with yourself.

Choose instead to be brave. Reflect on your life and discern where and when you've taken risks and where you've chosen to avoid them. Do you recall experiences where you learned to take risks to love and encourage others or, to take risks to feel encouragement? Some of those risks you took will not have turned out as you hoped. Yet, all outcomes from all experiences enable you to get in touch with yourself. What have you learned? Take risks to listen and help yourself while you also serve others.

Did you ever think you were meant to get off track in order that you would develop the skills to live a more fulfilling life? If you stumbled onto a material fortune and had all your needs and dreams satisfied, taking risks to lose it all might become your primary source of motivation. Is our task to learn to trust ourselves and others? to take chances and experience vulnerability? joy and pain? Why are you here?

Some people take steps to teach themselves the true meaning of impermanence. It requires risk to define and lead a life of instability. Other people strive to reinforce permanence, legacy and physical reality. No matter what your choices, you take risks to learn how to live. As you find ways to help yourself, your inner wisdom grows. As you learn to listen to yourself, other people may begin to learn from you and take their own risks. Once you stop resisting what it means to feel more alive, you'll take risks to set yourself free. The degree and nature of freedom are totally up to you.

Realize what you already do

Success is grounded in your own understanding of your perception and values. As you evolve to willingly give up or change many values you thought you had, you will grow to acknowledge some of your beliefs were misguided. You slowly remove your own smokescreen. You come to realize you hinder success, you create it, you are it.

For example, you may be a person who always thought you were an individual of principle and that your views would guide the evolution of your whole life. What you said here isn't entirely wrong. However, to admit assumptions about what you see as 'right and wrong,' 'acceptable or unacceptable' or 'desirable and undesirable' don't change, is a way of postponing your own sense of success.  Did you know that?

Consider that somewhere in your past, you might have adamantly said that you wouldn't do something you knew someone else did. Your position was a judgement, based on how you saw yourself and the world at that time. Years later, you may have decided to do precisely what that person did, because you saw your life differently and you felt ready to evolve and change. That change of heart wouldn't mean your original view was wrong.  In fact, it was appropriate for you at that period. Its unfair to judge your lack of a sense of success today on yesterday's decisions. Everything we do is part of a process to shape our own attitude.

I know a farmer's daughter convinced from childhood she would grow up to become a farmer's wife. She felt happy in the country and chose to learn as much as she could about farms. When her neighbour's daughter grew and moved to the city, the girl sensed she could never do such a thing to her parents, or abandon her country life. Yet, over time, as her self-awareness grew, she decided to attend university away. She became a large animal veternarian and now works on farms throughout her home state. Her view of a desirable life evolved and her decisions caught up.

We each experience different kinds of success exactly where we are. As we choose to grow and change our minds about things, we acknowledge that somewhere deep inside what we knew what we were doing before wasn't quite right. Yet, our past is necessary to understand who we are in the present. In your heart, you recognize that change is inevitable, but your choices in life may initially resist what you seek because you desire to learn in body, mind and soul. All parts of you do not perceive and understand success in the same ways.

Success for the physical body may be defined by doing what it takes to survive where you are, to get enough food, water, shelter and to experience pleasure.  Success for the soul may involve taking steps to learn and helping you come to better know your deepest self. The soul doesn't require what the physical body requires. Your mind defines success by its own experience, sense of time and space. Each part of you abides in the realm of the relative. You may sense a disconnect between achieving success in different parts of you. Success is also achieved in just being here now.