The Beauty of Finding Real Love (Guest post by Urban Monk)

The Beauty of Finding Real Love  by Albert Foong (Urban Monk)

The word Love is nowadays a corruption, a defilement. It is abused, overused, and now misused – describing a mere game, or another feeling in disguise - passion, lust, attachment.   This is the most painful thing to say – how many have ever known the real thing? Reviewing your sense of love can enable you to heal from within.

Selfishness in love’s clothing.

“I love this song.” “I love my car.” “I love you, my darling!”  

These are plastic counterfeits, describing a game straitjacketed by rules and structures and conditions. Romantic love is just about selfishness. It is just a biological urge, made into a ritual. Familial love is purer – it comes close, so tantalisingly close, but is so often just as flawed.

Even worse, love can become a duty, a knife held at their throat. “I love you!” you say to the other, and it really means – "Son, now make me proud with your grades," "Father, you have to provide for me," or, "Mary, you must sleep with me."

At the core of it all is the self. What some of us call love is just pure selfishness. If we are alert, honest – it is all about how another makes us feel, which one of our needs they fulfill, how much of our reputation they have enhanced. Me, me, me.

Love – Love, with a capital L – it is just the opposite. There is no clinging, no attachment. It thinks nothing of getting, merely of giving. A lover thinks only of himself, herself, but a Lover thinks only of the other.

The doing of love

In between Love and false love would be cultivated love. It is one that is practiced, trained. Perhaps it would be better called compassion.  That word is not so polluted.   This love is beautiful, commendable, but it is still not the real thing. But practice it, and one day you’ll find that the real thing will begin to shine through.

Give and share unconditionally. It will be hard, for we have been selfish, full of ego, for so much of our lives. But continue to strive for it, and let it slowly reduce the delusion of separation. Smile, simply to brighten his day, not because you want something from her. Caress him, not out of duty, simply because you want to ease his pain. And in that brief moment the ego isn't there.

As the ego completely falls away, only Love remains. It is no longer cultivated; no longer something you have to remind yourself to do. The lover disappears, the act of loving disappears, the loved disappears, and it all melts into one.

Our self-hatred and self-dislike

What is the biggest reason we give out counterfeit love, plastic compassion? What is the reason we don’t know Love? Simply because we have not loved ourselves.   How can we give what we don’t have? If we are filled with sadness and anxiety and anger, what will be in our hands as we reach them out to others?

Everyone is always talking about the grandeur of loving others. Love your country! Love your parents! Love your friends, even love your enemies! Who has ever said to you – find Love within, for your own being?

The result of this grievous omission: almost all of us have been filled with a subtle sense of dislike for ourselves. What is depression, what is low self esteem? How common is it? The numbers speak for themselves.

The pathological critic

Self-hatred can come in so many forms: people-pleasing, self-destructive behaviour, addictions, and your everyday unhappiness. But it all begins with the little voice in our head.  Some spiritual teachers call it the ego; psychologists call it the inner critic, the pathological critic.

Where does it come from? The condemnation that has been heaped on us from the day we were born. Again and again - our parents, society, peers, bosses, religion, teachers – on and on it goes. Sometimes they meant well, often times, they didn’t.

But it doesn’t matter – for they have already left their marks on us. Even when they stopped, we carried on their abuse internally. Their voices lived on inside our heads. Sometimes the inner critic sounds like our own voice, sometimes it sounds like an authority figure, or a parent. Very often it comes as feelings, thoughts, and images.

This critic constantly judges, criticises and compares. Every negative thought, feeling, anxiety, should and should-not, even the reliving of abuse and insults – all of it is the critic, which has lingered for so long, many of us don't even know its there. We don’t know that we can choose not to believe it; we don’t know there is a way out.   How common is this? Psychologists believe that everyone – everyone! – has an internal critic. For some a minor annoyance; for others, a lifetime of tyranny.

Fighting the critic

It is very likely that much of our actions, our seeking for material goods or lovers or fame and success, and even our drive for self-improvement, are driven by this subtle sense of self-hatred.

Trying to control our thoughts is self-violence. Forcing ourselves to be like this, to stop doing that – yet more self violence. Fighting your emotions, forcing yourself to be happy, all that silliness, it is just the same thing.

I fell into this trap, when I decided to fight my way out of my deep unhappiness. What was there to fight? Unhappiness and depression and low self-esteem came from fighting myself, and now I was fighting my tendency to fight myself – how absurd. I was merely cutting myself deeper.  Happiness, peace, everything that we seek within – they simply come when we find acceptance and love for ourselves.

Radical, unconditional love

And so the antidote to the poison and the condemnation is radical, unconditional love. Loving everything – even the critic itself! Accepting everything so deeply, that all the silliness begins to melt away.

You can never be anything other than what you are, right now, in this very moment. This very moment is all that exists – for when the future comes, it will be now. Accept yourself as you are – that is perfection.   Stop all that seeking and searching, for something outside of you, for that is the perfection of the neurotics.

Relax into yourself, accept your internal conditions and your external surroundings. Accept your perceived flaws, your fake imperfections, your humanity exactly as they are.  And what if you have been hurtful and hateful? Perhaps you don’t dare to love yourself for having done and said all those things. Doesn’t that mean you’ll go out and do more of those?

But pain is what you cause because that’s all you have inside you. When you fill your cup with love, what is going to overflow? Don’t you want to find out?

How do we do it?

Love yourself, on all levels of being: Emotional, mental, physical, and on the level of energy.  Love your negative thoughts. Love your self condemnation, the mental movies and images. Don’t fight them. Let them be. Don’t cling to them, nor try to push them away. Talk kindly to yourself, counteract the critic, talk back to it.

Love your sorrows, the gaping wounds in your heart, your anger and loneliness, and anxieties and fears, all of that. Accept them, say yes to them, cuddle and love them. Let that be the healing force. Emotions are there to be felt and accepted. Instead of running away from them – simply turn around and face them.

Love your body the same way. Strip naked, and go in front of a full length mirror. Face and look at every part of your body. Don’t avert your gaze. Don’t judge, grimace, any of that. Just look at your body, every part, and smile at them. Send loving thoughts and energy to each section. Love it completely – the imperfections, the scars, the injuries, the diseases, let them all be there, and be loved.

Play with energy. Create a loving energy in yourself; fill up every pore and every cell of your body with love. Sometimes you find it hard. Sometimes you try to fill up your insides with love but all you feel is discomfort. That’s almost inevitable – almost everyone carries sorrow and pain inside them, that they’ve stored up over the years. Love and accept that discomfort until it heals and dissolves.

Simply undo all the poison you’ve had piled on you. All day, every day. Be alert that you have not fallen back into old habits, that the critic hasn’t crept back in.   One day, you will find your entire being has begun to glow with joy, a quiet bliss – and that day is when you begin to see Love.

I’m honoured to be able to guest post here at the Dreambuilders Australia. This post covers some of the most important lessons I’ve ever learnt – it might sound simplistic, but it has made a huge difference in my life. I’m grateful to Liara for giving me a chance to share it with her audience.

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About Albert Foong:
Albert runs UrbanMonk.Net, a practical personal development blog that has enhanced the lives of many readers, moving them out of suffering and into a life of joy, love and success. It draws upon ancient spirituality, modern psychology, real life experiences, and everything in between.

Pondering those New Year's Resolutions?

As the end of the year approaches, lots of people take the opportunity to review where they are, where they've been, and where they hope to go in the future. Some people dream of realizing new goals or simply doing what it takes to stay on track. What about you? How do you feel about your recent choices and behaviors? Which valuable lessons have you learned? What would you do differently next time around?

Perhaps you're you the kind of person who made plans this past year and didn't follow through? You may have given up on your goals, been indecisive or, changed directions. Maybe you did accomplish meaningful things and already think about what's on the horizon? No matter what, its useful to periodically review your life. You can evolve to discern whether you're moving in more or less desirable directions.

1) Ground yourself. Whatever you sense you have or haven't accomplished, its the perfect time to focus your energy and attention on some recognizable reference point. If you feel confused or forgetful, you can learn to balance your body and spirit. All you have to do is figure out where you are and where you'll go from here. It will help to connect with nature and eat healthy food to increase your vitality.

2) Rest assured. Although you may be uncertain about how you'll complete the tasks you set out for yourself, you can nurture faith that you will be guided every step of the way. As you learn that its not about you per say, but your relationship with everything, then its easier to reframe a sense of progress in 'the big picture.'

3) Centre on feelings of joy. Let's say you're unsure what to do. You may not have even begun thinking of resolutions. No worries! Start by focusing on the ' now.' Make choices that enable you to feel good. Permit your positive feelings to orient your compass. Seek ways you can bring more joy into your life and enrich others.

4 Ways to reframe deja-vu

Many people sense having known someone before or having been somewhere before when their short-term memory would beg to differ.  Some people even think their imaginations are playing tricks on them.  What sorts of reasons would help explain your dream-like flashbacks and sense of 'deja-vu?'  Consider four perspectives:

1) Consciousness is 'superliminal.' The energy that drives it moves faster than the speed of light.  Energy is so powerful, it can reach out into the infinite universe and bring back whatever information your subconscious is seeking.  This goes beyond the reach of your earthly senses, but connects you to abilities you forgot you have.

2) You retain insight into past lives.  You have known shadows of these people in other forms.  Something twigs your memory about their personality, behaviors or, on a higher level, their aura and energy vibration.  You have visited places that seem vaguely familiar. It has all influenced your growth and healing.  Even your current mental state stems from what you have done in your view of the past.  Glimpses of who you were reward your progress toward reaching higher awareness. 

3) Your intuitive systems are blocked.  Awareness is perhaps your deepest sensitivity.  It may become susceptible to emotional mood swings until such time as you recognize "what is."  As you begin to understand you're made of layers of electromagnetic energy, you also learn each layer has a separate frequency, color and vibration.  Each set of frequencies creates an aspect of your identity or clouds your view based on beliefs.  Your consciousness has potential to change the form of matter and to enable travel through your human perception of time and space. 

4) You have become too logical.  External influences redefine what is rational and possible in the physical world.  People will say, "that's not possible," offering explanations like gravity, or laws of Science that have come to be widely accepted standards or authorities. You have chosen to buy into it all which limits who you really are. Make an analogy with teen peer pressure. Why would you choose to do something just because everyone else is doing it? Choose instead to listen to your true self. Redefine a sense of rational. You decide what kind of life you will live.

Astute duckie

Analysis of the week on dream submitted by Nicole in Victoria, Australia.

Dream : I entered a room and observed a psychic giving a tarot read for a client. I passed them then, felt drawn back. The card reader sensed my presence and smiled. Next, I communicated from inside a card on the table. Three ducklings stood on a flat, rocky ledge. One duck held down a black rain hat in a gust of wind. Another peered over the edge with a sword. The third spread wings, ready to fly.

Predominant Emotions : curiosity, reassurance, preparedness, lingering fear.

Interpretation : To detect a psychic draws attention to the unknown, your destiny and hopes. You may worry about uncertainty and believe answers about the future lie outside yourself. Part of you realizes you’re an astute observer of what is really happening, but you’re unsure about whom to trust or when to voice your views.

Ducks tend to highlight spiritual freedom and unconscious traits. These multi-talented creatures walk, swim, fly and generally adapt well. They reveal that you acknowledge your own versatility even if you struggle to boost your confidence. You may find reason to rethink negative slants to the phrase "sitting duck." What are you waiting for? Stop ‘ducking’ the real issue. Choose to confront it instead.

Swords symbolize perseverance, inner strength, faith, and severing ethereal ties that need releasing. Hats may mean you repress feelings or hide from aspects of truth. Rest assured, you have tools at your disposal to overcome the perceived obstacles.  You need not feel as though you squeak by 'on a wing and a prayer.' 

3 Tips to break away from guilt

Many people would like to experience peace of mind yet, their sense of guilt makes them weary. Would you like to relieve some burden and heal more than your mind?  Learning to reframe your perspective will lighten your load and jumpstart your life.  Consider these tips to help you along your road to emotional recovery:

1) Releasing others releases yourself.  You restore your innocence and guiltlessness whenever you choose to release others from perceived burdens.  Forgiveness has restoring power.  As long as you permit yourself to feel guilty, or act in ways to influence others to feel that way, you are choosing to listen to the voice of ego.  

2) You are in charge.  You may assume people must choose to forgive you before you can truly forgive yourself.  That's not true.  You are in charge of how you view yourself.  If you wish to be free from emotional pain, you only need to exchange your sense of guilt for innocence.  What other people think begins and ends in you.

3) Those who have not yet learned need teaching, not attack.  Not everyone knows that freedom is only a thought away.  If you look for guilt in other people or reinforce reasons why other people should feel guilty, then you aren't doing yourself any favors.  Any negative energy you nurture or direct will reverberrate back on you.