Vindication

Becoming a best-selling author is a widespread dream, but few people devote themselves to this harrolding path, and even fewer succeed. Despite a resume seen as impressive that has been adapted many times, I've always felt most terrified of disappointing myself, and those people who believe in my ability to succeed.

For a family with a track record of accomplishment in their individual lives, the pursuits I've chosen have differed widely, and have rarely been predictable. I realize I’ve bewildered friends and relatives with everything from space policy work to dream analysis yet, you'd think they'd sort of have been prepared. Back in high school, I was voted “Most Unique Female Graduate.”  That paved the way.

Attending and graduating from well-known universities also augured great things. The matter being, career paths I chose afterward diverged from ones that people who know a stable life would have chosen for me. Although offered a university engineering entrance scholarship, I turned that down. Many people expected me to become a physician, an option that I initially latched onto for what it represented and how I thought I could help people. I now accept that would have been too stifling and unimaginative. I had been prompted in that direction, being surrounded by medical circles in friends, acquaintances and 3 generations of physicians in my family. After all, if I was to be a success, why should my choices be different?

Years later, I still go against the grain of those early ambitions. I arrived in a mindset that I originally only dreamed. When people ask, I describe myself as a writer. I grew into that path after rigorous self-examination and self-questioning. Of course, I diverged to explore many interests along the way yet, I didn't give up on writing. During my journey into self-discovery, I realized my desire to write was never really a choice, except insofar as I chose to listen (or ignore) my inner voice. With a courage that sheltered me through difficulties worthy of novels, I now believe some roles and goals are pre-set.

My writing revelation came as I admitted the culture of achievement in which I had been raised didn't deter me from my desire to write. I'm satisfied to know I've evolved to devote time to what I feel I should be doing, not what others feel I'm supposed to be doing, based only on what they know. Now, a life fraught with uncertainty isn’t for everyone. People have worried about me. People still worry about me. They sense my life is hard, in a conventional sense. And yes, it can be challenging, but this is negative only if I choose to feel unsatisfied from following my passions. I’ve evolved to learn that we're often taught life is as hard as people convince us it should be.  Thinking for ourselves isn't taught, but learned though experience and building self-confidence.

I decided to carve out a career for myself out of something that many others, of more rational judgment, are content to discuss as a diversion from daily business, as a pending retirement project or, explore as a temporary hobby. This lack of perceived legitimacy deterred me for a long time. As a person who learns to listen to an inner voice, you learn legitmacy begins and ends in you, once you learn to separate from external expectations.

As a freelancer, I write nearly every day, apply for positions and contracts in newspapers and magazines. Payments arrive for these projects. Yet, bills have often been more regular. I've taken on many kinds of work to help support my writing ambitions. I've lectured on university campuses in different countries, collecting speaking fees and grants when possible. In retrospect, it was all to support my writing and to develop my experiences worthy of stories.

Apart from the desire to survive, I also develop long-term book projects. I spend several hours a week editing ideas and drafting and later submitting proposals. The waiting game comes next. Rejection letters from uninterested publishers and through my agent yet, all reviews have enabled me to improve my work. I'm grateful to all feedback because this enables me to better myself.

I've been inspired by many writers, and especially individuals like John Cleary. He persevered despite receiving over 534 rejections before his first acceptance of a book manuscript. He’s now been a writer 60 years, with over 8 million books sold and book number 50 is in production. He has taught me to recognize that I'm never too old or tired to adjust to a situation and to take new risks.

I still hear echoes that criticize my choices and the idea that I don’t seem to be 'making it' or creating a vision of success in the way others would perceive I should. This has prompted me to ask myself why society teaches us that we shouldn't struggle to realize our dreams. Isn't the journey and lessons learned what makes the sense of accomplishment far more worthwhile?

Sure, I like to see people who care about me also feel proud of me. The time I've spent as a freelance writer, academic article author, university lecturer, and newspaper columnist, weren't perceived as successful by others because the money I earned didn't enable me to meet my responsibilities. At the time, I became disheartened. I moved on to other things yet, I still write.

The time came when I changed my mind about where I desired to write. My determination to be a writer had evolved through my visits to over 50 countries which had been for varied purposes. Looking back, many earlier goals illuminated a light bulb in my head. The simple truth was that previous places I'd lived hadn't enabled my writing to blossom, so I moved to refine my comfort zone.

For now, I enrich and build on my roles by sharing my voice and promoting human interest stories that draw from my education and background. I know I'll write more books. Boxes of short stories wait to be organized. What is most satisfying perhaps, is knowing people who care about me realize my motivation, commitment and determination are valuable. Though writing, I teach self-acceptance is key to attracting external success.  Happiness begins and ends in me.

Comments

[Liang]

It's really good to read this post. I am proud of your choice and do think that's the only correct one. Maybe just like what you mentioned: it has been pre-set.

After all, we live our own lives, not for others. So make choice based on our own pre-settings and enjoy it.

[Liara Covert]

Hi Liang.
Certain events that unfold do seem to be pre-set, Why is it that as we reflect, we realize we didn't place emphasis on certain traits before or, we didn't choose to listen to inclinations? Each involves a shift in awareness and, we weren't ready. As we learn to look into our souls and remind ourselves about sources of a spark, if we don't base our lives on it, then the light flickers on and off, and motivation wanes. Its vital to recognize that each phase of our lives has its own particular qualities and lessons worth appreciating. The extent to which you choose to learn about your willpower, intuition, reason and emotions, shapes different kinds of success no matter where you are or what you plan to change about your life.