Why do people choose to lie?

What is so difficult about admitting you made a mistake? How many people have you met who would prefer to lie rather than to swallow their pride and admit they miscalculated or were ignorant of certain facts? Do their dishonest tendencies rub off on or tempt you to do the same?  You don't have to follow this example.  If you do lie, it would be helpful to learn to understand when and why.  Only then you will you be able to see benefits of making different choices. 

Societies we live in promote excellence and encourge us to strive for perfection. Some people haven't yet grasped that learning involves falling down and figuring out how to get up again.  Making mistakes is an acceptable and effective way to learn.  Think back to when you become aware of the power of language and how you could use it.  During childhood, you may have learned to lie without bad intentions.  You may have aimd to test what or whom to manipulate. You may have learned to lie to avoid punishments or to strategically get things you wanted.

As you aged, you may have devised white lies to protect other’s feelings, and seen lies as harmless.  Yet, if you have evolved to lie with neither compassion nor conscience, that is more problematic.   Such individuals may be compulsive liars who lie to protect themselves, to look good, gain financially or socially and avoid judgment or reprimand.  Compulsive liars become transparent and gain a bad reputation.  People realize this tendency and come to pity the liar. Both the liar and observers recognize that lying is a choice, yet a person can only change himself.

Thos people who lie mainly for personal gain may be diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder, also known as being a sociopath, and often encounter repeated trouble with authorities.  Lying has been known to worsen with time. When you get away with a lie, you may continue your deceptions. Also, liars often feel it necessary to continue lying to to cover their past dishonesty. 

Why is it that we hold people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth?  We expect, for example, less integrity from politicians than from scientists.  We have a vision of purity for clergy, teachers, law enforcement, bosses, and we imagine politicians and other kinds of people will at least shade the truth for personal gain. Somehow, real accountability is lacking. What will it take to change ways we respond? Do you forgive, seek respite or act differently?  

Why do we dislike liars? It’s a matter of trust.  These people break an unspoken agreement to treat others with respect as we desire to be treated.  Serious deception may make it impossible for us to trust another person again. You may evolve to assume guilty until proven innocent rather than thinking a person is honest unless his behavior leads you to believe otherwise. Since trust is on the line, admitting lies as soon as possible is desireable.  If the truth only comes out once it is forced through confrontation, the repair of trust is less likely.

If you're a parent, teach your children to come clean about lying.  No matter how big a whopper they may have told, tell them you prefer to hear the truth from them, no matter how bad, than be deceived.  Show them nothing is more sacred in your relationship than your bond of trust.     Draw from stories to illustrate the long and short-term drawbacks of deception.

Which strategies help you to best detect whether you're being misled? There is no guaranteed way, but behavioural clues may give you reason to become suspicious:

Avoidance of eye contact: With a few cultural exceptions, and exteme shyness aside, people typically make eye contact at least half the time they speak with you.  If you see them avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific part of a conversation, they may well be lying.

Curious voice variations: A variation of voice pitch or rate in speech can be a sign of lying. Note also lots of umms and ahhs. Where a person searches to explain an event, an absence or lack of information you would assume to be simple, the lag time may mean they have things to hide.

Body language. Turning your body away, fidgeting, covering your face or mouth with a hand, shaky hands or legs can indicate deception. Sucking on fingers and changing the subject from the task at hand are also often signs of more than observable nervousness. Guilt may be visible because a liar is unable to contain feeling uncomfortable or tempering a conscience.

Contradicting oneself. When a person makes assertions that just don’t hold together, you may have good reason to be suspicious.  Consider a person who invites you to join a club and then, tells you he never invited you in the first place, just after your role as treasurer enabled you to discover inaccurate financial books, well, listen to your instincts. When someone changes subjects, he may be trying to sway your attention from the crux of the dishonesty.

Recognize that if you lie a lot, even about what you think are unimportant things, you are likely to develop bigger problems that will eventually cause you real relationship, financial or legal troubles. Figuring out what is driving you to lie will help heal this self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a therapist to discover why you feel the need to deceive. Ask yourself what you may hide from. Remind yourself all roads to self-discovery are beneficial.

Comments

[Geraldine Smith]

I have just confirmed that my partner of 10 years is a serial habitual liar. I noticed over the years that he contradicts himself over trivial and also important matters. He found himself in very hot water this year by committing a severe business indiscretion which could have been very serious indeed. He was very lucky that he was reprieved with a fine. I thought this would have fixed him for good but no. Recently I caught him in the act of looking at porn on the internet. Instead of coming clean all the warning signs came over him he denied it and even had the gaul to try to shift the blame by accusing me of not trusting him. Later in the evening, he admitted the indiscretion. It was not the porn, but the lying that unnerved me. I told him he needs therapy. He has taken the name of a psycho-therapist but I'm very cynical that he will be truthful and will sugar coat the reason for being there. I no longer trust him and don't think I ever will again.

[Liara Covert]

Hi Geraldine. In life, it can seem that nothing ever goes the way we think it will. Although humbling at times, we perceive our own reality because we're supposed to learn from it. Challenges to your hope, trust, and sense of justice are all part of your destiny. Everyone and everything has specific meaning and purpose. The lessons you choose to learn are up to you. Learning forgiveness is one such lesson. We need to learn to forgive people for who they are as much as for what they do.

It may startle you, but humans often have a need to blame someone for a sense of loss, for things that didn't go the way they thought they desired or expected. Anger and disbelief may seem to help with the coping process, but it can be preferable to focus on channeling energies more positively and productively. So much can be gained from focusing on that which you can change. Your emotional well-being will find new balance in the long run. Dreams also evolve with you, when you're ready.

[Donna L. Faber]

People lie all the time, but I think it is to maintain a sense of control over their lives. As children we may have negativities put upon us. Then, the way we react to those things become habits. Those habits follow us into adulthood whether or not they are value adding. Then, finally, to convince ourselves we have control over lives, which as you know is not the case, we lie to keep our world inside our sphere of understanding. It goes back to our comfort zone, I think. Those reactions we have to negativities may not be good, but they ARE comfortable. Compelling topic, indeed!

[Liara Covert]

Donna, control does help explain why some people lie. Yet, everyone doesn't perceive the same way. What you view as a lie, another person may view as not divulging the whole truth. Some people also don't know what it means to be true to themselves. What does a person need to know? If a person doesn't grasp the difference between truth and lies, s/he will be unaware if they are lying or to whom. Lying isn't always a conscious choice.

[Donna L. Faber]

I wholly agree, and in fact, was not implying that lying is a conscious choice. Quite the opposite. In my journey, however, I like to find explanations for why we do what we do. It helps unravel the mystery.

[Yvonne Thomas]

I can't take it anymore. This guy I've been dating for almost 4 years lie some much I just can't take it anymore. I don't know which part of his life is the truth and which part is a lie. I love the part of him that got my attention in the beginning but as time goes on I think he lies to me to protect my feelings when in fact he's not protecting me at all. I'd rather he is honest with me. Even his friends make comments about how he lies and contradicts himself all the time and when he's confronted he says, "I don't have a reason to lie" and I think he really believes he doesn't lie to anyone. I couldn't believe it when one of his friends said he's sick of the lies himself. I responded to his comment by saying, "you don't have to say anything else, I truly understand". I'm sick of it, personally. Trust...I trust some aspects of him but I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth unless I see it for myself. He's full of excuses all the time when he tells me he's going to do something and end up not following through with anything. I literally hate it. I struggle with my emotions and as time goes on I truly believe that I need to just love him from a distance.

[Liara Covert]

Yvonne, each experience you initiate with another person is teaching you things about yourself. Rather than focus on why he seems to be lying, another meaningful approach is to ask yourself why you choose to believe him when part of you knows he is lying. It can be humbling to realize this draws attention to self-worth and trust issues inside yourself. Yet, this is also an invitation from your inner self to listen closer to instincts and grow.

You may be interested in my book which will be published by the festive season in December. It brings up issues like the one you mention in this post. Details will be available soon on this website.

[Darla]

Lately I am just astounded with the messages that are being communicated to me. I have been on your website everyday since I found it and thought I had read through most of the articles or at least checked out most of the titles and categories. I have never seen this one.

Tonight I have been distraught about and quite frankly consumed with the fact that I have found out that at least 2 people have been very dishonest with me and one of them is someone I have stood by through some extremely difficult times.I have been wondering why I am often the focus around deceit and feeling quite hurt about it.I have been asking what it is that I am supposed to be learning from this because I know there's a lesson in there because it is a relatively common event in my life and it all seems to come to the surface at once making it impossible to ignore the "coincidence" of this common theme. I have asked for guidance and it is unbelievable to me that I found this article and these comments almost immediately upon viewing this website.WOW!Now I just need to find out how to cope emotionally with these issues and how to understand and respond to someone that I love so much who seems to have no issue with deceiving me.

Darla

[Liara Covert]

Darla, truth emerges as you seek simplicity and choose to stop perceiving yourself as a victim of someone else's deceit. If you desire to attract different kinds of relationships, you need to raise your energy vibrations. People in your life teach you about yourself. As you raise self-awareness, you choose to discern different connections.

Daily life provides you with many examples of energy vibrations. Sounds, colors and feelings all vibrate at different levels. Mental states also vibrate at varied rates. Every thoughts bring vibrations. You became more aware of these things as your mind becomes familiar with polarity. Everything has opposing vibrations. Whenever you detect something undesirable, the opposite is also present in thought, feeling and energy. It is up to you to focus your thoughts and feelings on what you want. You always attract what you think about. So, if you are deceiving yoruself in some way you refuse to acknowledge, then people will enter your life and mirror such behavior in order to draw your attention to it. This is a universal law of energy. Everything you perceive in life has a vibration.

[Darla]

Definitely food for thought.I will pay much more attention to how I feel and think.It does help me to think of my life as a journey( and it has been a spectacular roller coaster so far). A journey of many new revelations.Being an artist and a musician, I tend to be very emotional.As a matter of fact one of the things I aim for in my work is to capture the intangibles such as moods and emotions.Perhaps this is why I tend to attract such drama- subconsciously, I probably crave it. It is like food for my work.

I am really working on forgiveness at the moment.It is such a great feeling when I can transcend my immediate negative feelings when hurt and practice peaceful ways to deal with hurtful behaviour. I am quite sure that mastering my emotions is something that I am being taught to work on.I am also sure that I am seeing a reflection of myself in some way. I know that I have a lot of work to do to become the human being I would like to be.

Darla

[Liara Covert]

Darla, if you start with thoughts that every human being has a good heart, then you begin to step back and view the behaviour of others and yourself differently. You also start to recognize what appears to evoke sorrow and negative feelings is very useful to your self-growth. Yo ucannot measure the usefulness of lessons with limited vision.

[kimberly]

I have been with a liar for 6 years, we have been broken up, and back together at least two to three times a year. I always took him back. We decided that we would marry in Jan2008. He walked out two times, then he came back. The last time was about two weeks ago, i told him I wanted a divorce and he is out of my life now, but doesn't want a divorce. I will be serving him soon with the papers. I don't know why I was so guilable. But I am ready to move on this time. I wasted so much time and energy on him. I have the power of intention to find a better mate this time around and just be happy; no more stress.If there is anybody out there who has gone through or, should I say, is going through the same thing, remember he is not going to change. It has to be you who will change.

[Liara Covert]

Kimberly, everyone learns at his or her own pace. It does not make sense to compare yourself with other people or, to be self-critical. What matters is that you have a clearer idea of what feels good and what kind of behavior does not serve you. NO time or effort is ever wasted. The purpose for living is to grow.

[Shiela]

This website and blog is so interesting. I kinda stumbled upon it because I was at a wits end with my husband. We have been married for 6 years and together for 8 years. He is a liar. I am not sure if he is that completely, but I know that at least partially. He defends his lies, believes his own lies and alot of it has to do with his insecurites and dissatisfaction with where he is in life. He has also "stolen" from me. I guess you can call it steal because he is my spouse. Interestingly, I would have given him everything. I think part of the problem may be that I already do. Anyway, I read alot of the earlier comments and I certainly realize that alot of this challenge is about me. I am working on understanding myself more and more as I grow. I know that I am in this situation for a reason and that there are valuable lessons that I need to learn. The question that I do not know is if I need to learn that lesson in this marriage or outside of this marriage. I do love my husband and we have two children. I know that he is a decent man that has many strong desirable characterisitcs. BUT trust is a huge part of marriage and to me lying is one of those things that is a deal breaker. Most incidents when my husband has been found to lie center around money but it certainly makes me wonder what other things he is able to comfortably lie about and deceive me...

[Liara Covert]

Sheila, at a given moment, only you can make choices that make sense to you in your relationships. The most pertient advice comes from within.

You choose what to accept or reject about yourself and about other people. To remember certain things about yourself is to restore your awareness of what is already there. You do not create what you recall about yourself, you simply choose to accept things about yourself you had rejected or selectively forgotten. When you attack someone for certain behaviour, such as lying, you are denying what you do to yourself. All acttack or criticism is self-attack. Attack is what you do to others to distract you from the peace of mind you have always had. When people act in ways that bother or harm you, ask yourself what someone like the Dalai Lama would do. The answer is always compassion and understanding. You atract people based on how you feel about yourself.

[Meesh]

To Darla,
What do you Do when you know you are being lied to? I found the same theme in my life because I was easily lied to!! Meaning,I found it very hard to say Anything back to the person who was lieing. If I confronted them about their contradictions, they would turn it on me and blame me! I didn't like to upset anyone or have them angry with me, so I learned to say nothing. Finally enough was enough, and I kindly started to ask questions when I heard contractions, with the knowledge they would exit my life, and that is just what happened. Liars only like to be around people who allow them to lie...with no questions asked!!! I now have many people in my life who are more than willing to be honest with me, as I am with them, and if there is a misunderstanding, they are happy to clarify...what a breath of fresh air!!!!

[wanda]

I would leave today if I could. I have been lied to and then he lies about lying even when I have proof. He has lied to me from day one. When we first started emailing each other,(we had know each other some years earlier) he lied about going places alone when he was going with female friends, even though I was honest about seeing other people, since we were not dating..After a year, I find out he emails his ex wife several times a week, even though he swore they never spoke unless there was an emergency with thier adult child. He 'forgot ' to put the house in my name also even though I put up all the $65,000 down payment..then when I got breast cancer I knew what a gossip he was, Imade him SWEAR he would tell no one, that I would tell who at I wanted to know, when I wanted them to know. He told me over and over he had told no one and wouldn't. At his brother's FUNERAL, 8 people, including his ex wife asked me about the cancer. When I confronted him, he swore he told no one but his DEAD BROTHER..the one we had just buried that day and that the brother must have told everyone else. I knew this was a lie, he had been using me as an excuse or to get pity for himself because he had not done even one thing differently nor extra for me. Hoe can anyone SWEAR to keep a secret and then tell it to anyone they thing you will not run into and then lame it on the brother they have just buried. I can neveer forgive this, nor would I try. For now I am stuck here but I do not love him, trust him or even want to be around him anymore. The lies have turned everything to dust. But when I catch him lying he tries to make it my fault and my problem..in other words, my fault for catching him and confronting him, not his fault for lying in the fiest place. I am fed up and starying to hate him. Right now my mother is old and fragile and very ill. I am at the worst place and time in my life, but he is NO help and still lies. When I can get out of this mess, I will and never look back.Once the trust is gone, it is hard to trust agin but when they keep lying, it is impossible.

[Liara Covert]

Wanda, thank you for sharing some personal life experiences. Regardless of your perceived conditions, you are not "stuck" anywhere. You always choose how you will think and react to a given situation. This is not only about whether you will move to a different home, stay with friends or find other shelter. It is about choosing to review what you are learning about yourself. The local library has books you can read for free. Counselling is also available if you believe this option appeals to you. You are learning to set boundaries. You are learning that when you are in a negative environment that you do not feel good about yourself. You are learning what you believe love is not. All of this is valuable. It brings you closer to what you to the point where you choose to make positive changes. Alternatives exist that you have not thought of yet. Keep an open mind.

[Susie]

I am very confused by some of your advice. Do you think that we attract or even deserve the behavior of others because of the energy we put off? I have thought for 31 years that I deserved the dishonest and abusive behavior of my husband and this has kept me where I am at with total insecurities. I thought I wanted a home and father for my children. Now they are gone and I am still here so I know I deceived myself.
He has lied to me from the beginning about major and minor issues. I have had the police at my door when my first child was 3 weeks old. He lied about this for 1 year until he was caught again doing the same behavior. He has lied about alcohol and drug abuse. Now he says he is clean and sober. I have forgiven and have tried to regain trust after every episode. Counselling has only helped for a short time. I really do not want to know the truth because of the hurt and self-destruction. Most of the time, he blames me for his lying because I would not approve. So, is it my fault? I know I have choices but I do love him. I do not think I am helping him by putting on a positive attitude and forgiving until the next time.
What is a person to do??

[Liara Covert]

Susie, at any given moment, you perceive your life conditions based on a variety of factors. You ask if you are to blame for a difficult situation. To answer this for yourself, you must define blame. If you believe blame is a level of responsibility for someone's behavior, you do not cause anyone to do anything. You only choose how you react to it. When a sober person tells you one thing, this is not the same person as he who commits violence under the influence. Co-dependence is a concept you may wish to explore. Melody Beattie has written books about it. Counselling is also something you can choose to undertake alone or with your husband.