What is so difficult about admitting you made a mistake? How many people have you met who would prefer to lie rather than to swallow their pride and admit they miscalculated or were ignorant of certain facts? Do their dishonest tendencies rub off on or tempt you to do the same? You don't have to follow this example. If you do lie, it would be helpful to learn to understand when and why. Only then you will you be able to see benefits of making different choices.
Societies we live in promote excellence and encourge us to strive for perfection. Some people haven't yet grasped that learning involves falling down and figuring out how to get up again. Making mistakes is an acceptable and effective way to learn. Think back to when you become aware of the power of language and how you could use it. During childhood, you may have learned to lie without bad intentions. You may have aimd to test what or whom to manipulate. You may have learned to lie to avoid punishments or to strategically get things you wanted.
As you aged, you may have devised white lies to protect other’s feelings, and seen lies as harmless. Yet, if you have evolved to lie with neither compassion nor conscience, that is more problematic. Such individuals may be compulsive liars who lie to protect themselves, to look good, gain financially or socially and avoid judgment or reprimand. Compulsive liars become transparent and gain a bad reputation. People realize this tendency and come to pity the liar. Both the liar and observers recognize that lying is a choice, yet a person can only change himself.
Thos people who lie mainly for personal gain may be diagnosed as antisocial personality disorder, also known as being a sociopath, and often encounter repeated trouble with authorities. Lying has been known to worsen with time. When you get away with a lie, you may continue your deceptions. Also, liars often feel it necessary to continue lying to to cover their past dishonesty.
Why is it that we hold people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth? We expect, for example, less integrity from politicians than from scientists. We have a vision of purity for clergy, teachers, law enforcement, bosses, and we imagine politicians and other kinds of people will at least shade the truth for personal gain. Somehow, real accountability is lacking. What will it take to change ways we respond? Do you forgive, seek respite or act differently?
Why do we dislike liars? It’s a matter of trust. These people break an unspoken agreement to treat others with respect as we desire to be treated. Serious deception may make it impossible for us to trust another person again. You may evolve to assume guilty until proven innocent rather than thinking a person is honest unless his behavior leads you to believe otherwise. Since trust is on the line, admitting lies as soon as possible is desireable. If the truth only comes out once it is forced through confrontation, the repair of trust is less likely.
If you're a parent, teach your children to come clean about lying. No matter how big a whopper they may have told, tell them you prefer to hear the truth from them, no matter how bad, than be deceived. Show them nothing is more sacred in your relationship than your bond of trust. Draw from stories to illustrate the long and short-term drawbacks of deception.
Which strategies help you to best detect whether you're being misled? There is no guaranteed way, but behavioural clues may give you reason to become suspicious:
Avoidance of eye contact: With a few cultural exceptions, and exteme shyness aside, people typically make eye contact at least half the time they speak with you. If you see them avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific part of a conversation, they may well be lying.
Curious voice variations: A variation of voice pitch or rate in speech can be a sign of lying. Note also lots of umms and ahhs. Where a person searches to explain an event, an absence or lack of information you would assume to be simple, the lag time may mean they have things to hide.
Body language. Turning your body away, fidgeting, covering your face or mouth with a hand, shaky hands or legs can indicate deception. Sucking on fingers and changing the subject from the task at hand are also often signs of more than observable nervousness. Guilt may be visible because a liar is unable to contain feeling uncomfortable or tempering a conscience.
Contradicting oneself. When a person makes assertions that just don’t hold together, you may have good reason to be suspicious. Consider a person who invites you to join a club and then, tells you he never invited you in the first place, just after your role as treasurer enabled you to discover inaccurate financial books, well, listen to your instincts. When someone changes subjects, he may be trying to sway your attention from the crux of the dishonesty.
Recognize that if you lie a lot, even about what you think are unimportant things, you are likely to develop bigger problems that will eventually cause you real relationship, financial or legal troubles. Figuring out what is driving you to lie will help heal this self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a therapist to discover why you feel the need to deceive. Ask yourself what you may hide from. Remind yourself all roads to self-discovery are beneficial.