What do you do when they fear for you?

This may come as a surprise, but friends and family may not believe in your dreams.  They may not understand your choices.  In fact, they may seem to fear for you. What they are really saying is that they do not know what they would do in your circumstances.  And why would they? After all, they are not you. They only react based on their experience.

I know one older woman who is scared because her son is in a foreign country.  She fears he may choose to work there or remain away for an extended period. When he phones her, she nags or speaks of terrible things she imagines happening and shares negative rumours about what people back home assume he is doing.  She voices her worst fears. What is this woman really saying? She would much prefer that he stay closer to her and not believe in his dreams.  Yet, her behaviour is alienating him and pushing him away.

I know a young woman who is confused about why her entourage fears for her safety and security.  They fear she will never marry or settle down like they have done.  They fear she will not conform to their life choices. They voice their beliefs and she listens.  Then, she shares views.  The entourage does not hear.  They have no similar experience.  Over time, people grow apart because they no longer choose to evolve with or relate to each other's lives.  Part of them feels discomfort in the presence of the other.  What to do?

It is common to have dreams shaken up by friends and family you would have thought would be key sources of support.  What if this is an invitation to revisit your reactions?  What kind of feelings are evoked inside you?  How do your react in truth? Which feelings do you share openly or hide? If you are unhappy with your own company, then you may not be truthful about what matters to you.  It is never too late to shift gears.

Another way to look at it is that you are constantly reading signs of your own internal energy.  When people seem incompatible with your perspective, you can show compassion and you can also choose how much time and effort on them serve you. You have to decide whether your dreams are worth your undivided attention and if so, at what cost?

Comments

[Lance]

Hi Liara,
You bring up a very good point - and really, I think, hit it on your last sentence. Are your dreams worth your undivided attention. And I think there really is no "right" answer here. At first blush, it would seem like the answer should be yes. Yet, there really could be certain situations that could trump our dreams - illness, dreams of another you want to support, children, etc. And yet, looking back over the whole article, I think it's also important to remember that our dreams are indeed our dreams - and we may lose support sometimes of those closest to us - that doesn't mean we shouldn't still pursue our dreams. Hmmm...I feel a lot of gray area here, it's just not real black and white for me...

[Liara Covert]

Lance, you remind people how you sense your environment and how you view your relationships highly-effects what you dream and what you are willing to do to realize them. Life experience teaches that people evolve and dreams can evolve to incorporate the dreams of others as well. This introduces the concepts of compromise and flexibility. Thoughts are like malleable clay. You can shape them to suit you or a variety of factors.

[B.W.F.]

My own view is you should follow your dreams, but not at the expense of shattering someone else's dreams. As an example, if your partner has a dream that involves work in a specific place, and your dream would require a geographic move, then it is important to take other people directly affected by your decision into consideration. It is not prudent to be completely selfish and only think of yourself.

[Liara Covert]

B.W.F., many people assume they only have two choices, that is, to accept the apparent job offer of a lifetime whatever the cost, or, turn it down and give up on dreams entirely. In fact, as you identify what it is you are seeking, you will realize you can find or create associated feelings in different places. In many cases, a particular job seems to interest you due to related conditions, perks and people or money. Yet deep down, you may discover your apparent dream is a smokescreen for seeking external approval, legitimacy, escape from discomfort or a way to further postpone what you really want. You can move beyond the superficial or, what you assume you would be getting out of it. What other people seem to fear for you may also reflect your own fear of realizing a dream you have yet to acknowledge. It is a journey to rediscover varied layers of truth.