Twist of fate

What if one of the most effective things you could do was to take the risk to share your fears with another person? This kind of action may bring you relief and closure. Ask yourself about the processes you have gone through to reveal what is eating you. How can this enable you to grow?

As a child, I recall the fear I felt about the impact of one of my first cassette tapes. It was the soundtrack from the musical Grease. I was just at the phase where I was hearing curse words. The energy and excitement of this music caused me to blurt out forbidden words. It gave me goose-bumps, at the same time as made me feel guilty about things I didn’t think I should say. When I invited a girlfriend over, we played the music and she was just as affected by the intensity of the lyrics as I was. She enabled me to feel better about expressing these things. She also encouraged me to remember a time and a place for everything. I sensed a kind of relief, as well as accepted my impulsive self as I was.

At age 12, I recall the fear of going out for the school basketball team. It was a personal dare of sorts and a peer pressure stunt. At the time, I knew very little about this game. I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone about my fears since I didn’t wish to be “a wimp.” I joined the other girls who prepped for tryouts. When the coach asked us all to perform a ‘lay-up,’ I actually didn’t know what that was. So, I watched the girls ahead of me and gathered the courage to do the best I could. As it turned out, I didn’t exactly make a fool of myself. Yet, I didn’t make the cut either. I stood my ground. The rest was worth it.

During high school, I recall a fear about making a trial for the cross country running team. At the time, a guy I liked was trying out and his presence motivated me to give it a go. Although I had ice skated, I had never run before. A spark of doubt in my mind nearly caused me to reconsider, telling me I wasn’t capable. Luckily, a stronger side of me was more determined. I decided I could run with the best of them. Although that guy decided not to join, I did. Running became like meditation for me. I learned value in being alone with myself. Admittedly, I certainly didn’t win many races, but my peers voted me “most valuable team player” for other team contributions. To connect with people became a way to stop and take note of what mattered. You might say running pursuits led me to embrace other life challenges and I stretched more than my hamstrings.

As I got older, I have experienced fear in regard to moving to different countries and adapting to my surroundings. Funny, it is precisely deep feelings of discomfort that have prompted me to embrace the benefits of transitions. Why not open new doors and redefine meaning and satisfaction in life? I’ve learned denial of some opportunities isn’t necessarily negative. Each time I identify a sense of rejection, I re-orient and take a risk to define other pursuits which may be better for me. Or, I rethink how I see where I am.

The paradox of fear

Fear by Pablo Neruda

Everyone is after me to exercise, get in shape, play football, rush about, even go swimming and flying.  Fair enough.

Everyone is after me to take it easy. They all make doctor’s appointments for me, eyeing me in a quizzical way.  What is it?

Everyone is after me to take a trip, to come in, to leave, not to travel, to die and, alternatively, not to die. It doesn't matter.

Everyone is spotting oddnesses in my innards, suddenly shocked by radio-awful diagrams.I don't agree with them.

Everyone is picking at my poetry with their relentless knives and forks, trying, no doubt, to find a fly. I am afraid.

I am afraid of the whole world,afraid of cold water, afraid of death.  I am as all mortals are, unable to be patient.

And so, in these brief, passing days, I shall put them out of my mind. I shall open up and imprison myself with a most treacherous enemy, Pablo Neruda.

As you interpret between the lines, is the poet not encouraging you to spend time with yourself while you still can? If you learn to listen to yourself, then you'll answer the question, "now what?"  The time is now to discern your fears, pin them down, identify who imposes them and share your story.  The paradox of fear is to learn how confronting them is the first step to diminishing them.

Systematic results

The nature of your goal-setting will become more effective and more rewarding if you identify how a number of issues factor into larger equation.  Learning to brainstorm and sift through your true priorities will enable you to reach the most fulfilling goals on a timeline that works for you.  These sample areas offer ideas as you begin to isolate goals that motivate who you are.  Examining varied areas of your life in detail will assist you to be the best you can be and realize potential.

1) Gender/ culture: whether you're male or female & cultural conditioning are key.

2) Life phase: wherever you are in career or relationships deserves attention.

3) Health: professional advice could impact how you perceive your potential.

4) History: what have you convinced yourself you could accomplish? 

5) Vision: how you see where you are, challenges and the future begin with you.

Trust a sly fox

Enduring relationships don't only happen in your dreams.  Have you ever been known to trust a person who turned out to be a sly fox? What would cause you to trust a person implicitly? What would cause you to stop trusting someone you did?

Consider what sorts of things define friends or colleagues you've known for a long time.  Reasons exist why you choose to build, maintain or sever relationships. As you think of people you don't trust, or people who have given you reasons not to trust them, you have developed reasons, be they conscious or unconscious reasons. Are you aware of how relationships affect each other?

For a lot of people, trust isn't something that appears miraculously. Trust earned over time through a close personal relationship tends to be resilient. Yet, once trust is broken, its much harder to get people to trust you again. Reflect on why you forge relationships and how. Are you the sort of person who commits part of yourself, all of yourself or, only a little of yourself? You may be the sort of person who only shares as much information as equals what other people share with you. Trust can evolve in terms of reciprocity.

Some people you meet will naturally be generous or selfish with their time and focus. By learning to think and feel as though you live in someone else's shoes, you can also strengthen your relationships. Learning skills, such as how to build understanding, can help build trust in others. As you understand how much it means for a colleague or loved one to undertake a personal challenge, you may come to trust that they'll do what they say they'll do. You may come to believe what a person tells you to be the truth, unless they give reason to believe otherwise. How have your views changed?

Your own incredible journey

Part of you searches for something deeper than what the mind thinks it knows. You already face certain challenges and are transformed by those experiences or feel somehow indifferent. Maybe you consider how you could share what you've learned to benefit others? Sharing your wisdom can make you feel successful but what if simply being is itself enough? Savour your own incredible journey every step of the way.

Success can be interpreted by the mind or felt in the heart as new ways of creating joy and experiencing life.  The mind tells you strategies generate satisfaction. You may see yourself as part of a collective generation that is defining group success with shared vision or specific goals. Notice your vision of success shifts at different stages of your life.  Is it aligned with your priorities? Ask what is the aim of each of your efforts. 

As you reflect back on 'rite-of-passage' events, your dreams and life experiences, you gain insight into other kinds of success. You realize that each time you separate from what you think you know in your conditions, self-image or any other aspect of your life, you will face challenges to get-to-know you can see yourself and life differently.  Notice different kinds of milestones.  Everything draws you back to what matters now.

In essence, you're supposed to get knocked down so you can learn to get up again. You're meant to expand on all those limits or ideas you thought were unchanging. They're not. Neither are you.  Perception is impermanent. True success is not.  It is symbolized by your willingness to set out on the journey to let go of the unreal and be who you are.

“Not all those who wander are lost.” J.R.R. Tolkein, The Fellowship of the Ring